There’s only one place these titans of their sport can go for support – each other.  With that in mind, we managed to get a sneak peak into a high level conference call between some of the most powerful men in professional sports. 

Gentlemen, thanks for joining us today on the conference call.  I appreciate the time as I know that everyone is struggling with their own issues at this time.  The purpose of this call is just a sharing of opinions to help out our fellow commissioners during our time of need. 

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With all due respect to everyone else’s issues, I’ve got a real problem.  I got a referee possibly fixing games because he’s betting on them.  Doesn’t get any worse than that.  The FBI is saying the mob might be involved.  The mob totally freaks me out.

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The mob doesn’t scare me.  The NFL is far more powerful than anything they’ve got.  If the media weren’t so involved, I’d send a few of my guys over to pay a visit to Mike Vick’s friends if you know what I mean. 

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Guys, I really need some help.  Should I go see Barry Bonds or not?  I’m so confused.

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Seriously, Bud?  That’s your problem? 

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I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, Selig, but you make me f-ing sick.  Quit acting like steroids are a big issue.  You think we’ve never dealt with steroids?  Cover it up and move on. Give me a call when one of your biggest stars starts electrocuting dogs for fun.

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Since when are steroids a problem?

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Hey guys, it’s me Don Garber, commish of the MLS.  My biggest problem is dealing with all the press about our new superstar! Have you heard we signed David Beckham?

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Oh great, now we’ve got the soccer nerd taunting us.  Do me a favor, geek, call me when you break the 20,000 mark for attendance at a game.

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I wish I ran a league where people didn’t freak out when a game ends in a tie.  Sometimes it happens, you know?

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Garber, just so you know, I’ve just made a few phone calls and I wouldn’t expect your little soccer league to have any measurable success anytime soon. 

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He’s not screwing around, Don.  Look what he did to the NHL.  He endorsed me and I’ve almost single-handedly destroyed the league. 

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Who the hell invited Garber anyway?  We might as well have invited the commissioner of the WNBA for the love of god. 

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Isn’t that you, Dave? 

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Damnit, I keep forgetting that we own that mess.

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Wait, I thought this was a conference call about my show “The Commish”?  Am I at the wrong place?

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Do you guys realize I put a hockey team in Nashville?  Nashville for christ’s sake.

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I’m not a huge fan of Nashville right now.  Pacman is a pain in my ass.  He’s lucky he got off with only a year suspension.  My backup plan was to pull out the belt.  No one wants Goodell’s belt. 

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Hi guys, my name is Ron.  I’m a commissioner of my fantasy league and I always have problems with some guys leaving injured players in their starting lineups or not responding to trades.  It really hurts the credibility of our league.  Any advice?

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Rog, let me know if you need an FBI contact for that raid.  I’ve got a few names I could hand over that I’ve been chatting with recently.

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Is everyone still there?  Sorry, I dozed off for a few minutes at my desk.  I’m so stressed out.  What should I do? 

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Roger, you have my blessing if you want your guys to pay a visit to Selig.  He deserves it. 

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JSF Weekly is written by Josh Bacott.  He thinks that Roger Goodell could beat up the entire mob.  E-mail him at josh@joesportsfan.com