Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the seminar for snappiness in mainstream sports media.  As aspiring sports journalists, there are many fields and opportunities for all of you to achieve your dreams.  With technology continuing to advance and sports news and information at the consumer’s fingertips, there is no reason all of you can’t become successful in sports writing, anchoring, reporting and if all else fails, the print and online headline community will welcome you with open arms. 

A reminder that snappy luminaries Dick Enberg and Chris Berman will answer your questions in a special town hall meeting immediately following lunch in the cafeteria later this afternoon.  Also, our teaching assistant John Buccigross will be available for office hours at his regularly scheduled time early this evening at 7:00 PM. 

For now, it’s time to review 12 of the silver rules for snappiness.  These are the rules you must carry with you until the day you die if you so choose to be a decorated, acclaimed sports journalist.

Get your pen and paper ready, please.

Rule Number One :: PLAYOFFS?!?!?!
Anytime the word “playoff” or “playoffs” come up in discussion, you must immediately squeak the word “playoffs?!?!” in question form, just as former Indianapolis Colts coach Jim Mora did in November of 2001 following a colossal beat-down at the hands of the 49ers.  Doing so is a necessity if you wish to keep your audience’s attention because, let’s face it, this joke is utterly hilarious every single time, even if it is 100% predictable.  Rule one applies mainly to radio and television anchors, however come playoff time for any given sport, it is not only acceptable, but encouraged to include “PlayOFFS!?!?!? in written form.  Also, as it pertains to video, we ask that the television production crew has the tape of Jim Mora cued up so that all can revel in the unabashed hilarity.

Rule Number Two :: The Bank is Always Open
Everyone loves a good basketball highlight package; and a good basketball highlight package embedded with anchor creativity and showmanship is even better.  Our second rule has been around since the days of Jack Edwards and Charley Steiner, but that doesn’t diminish its greatness.  While voicing over a basketball highlight in which Player A makes a 3 point jump shot of the backboard, you are ordered to say emphatically, “The Bank is Open!” 

Say it with me now, “The Bank is Open!”

Very good.

Now, should Player A “bank” his 3 pointer in a game past the hours of 6:00PM, you are instructed to add, “The Bank is Open … 24 hours a day!”  Likewise, if Player A executes the bank on a Saturday or Sunday, follow up the comment accordingly, “The Bank is Open… even on Saturday/Sunday!”  And don’t worry about Saturday logistics.  Since most banks close at noon on Saturdays and most basketball games start, at earliest, 11:00 AM, you need not worry if Player A’s local bank is ACTUALLY open at that time. 

Just wanted to avert any possible anxiety…

Rule Number Three :: Bend it like Beckham
As you know, David Beckham is saving American soccer.  But even before his arrival, we were all enthralled by the British film Bend it Like Beckham.  Ever since, television highlights of soccer, both national and international, have been inundated with the phrase of the movie title.  That trend must continue because, let’s face it, the term “Bend it Like Beckham” is pure gold.

Heretofore, any instance of a highlight involving a goal, feel free to liberally sprinkle “he bent it like Bekcham!”  Sure, it may have been a headball, or maybe the opposing team’s defender kicked the soccer ball in his own net and will likely be murdered execution style by his native countrymen: doesn’t matter. 

The people love David Beckham and you must show them that you “know what’s up.”

Rule Number Four :: “We’re going to score!”
For all highlight packages involving overtime football teams in the National Football League, our production crew and talking heads are mandated to cue up the moment in Matt Hasselbeck infamy from the 2003 NFC Wildcard game against Brett Favre’s team.  If you need a refresher, Hasselbeck announced in front of the world that he wanted the ball and that his team was going to score, rendering a Seahawks victory. 

This is a great moment in National Football League overtime history.  If you need to fill more time or just want to be make the package more memorable, it is acceptable to revert back to the overtime game Thanksgiving Day, 1998, when referee Phil Luckett botched Jerome Bettis’ call of the cointoss. 

Rule Number Five :: The Marshall Plan
For any reference to a player, coach, or school involving the name “Marshall” be carried out as “The Marshall Plan”.  Whether it’s an introduction to a live broadcast, highlight package voice-overs, or print and online headlines, “The Marshall Plan” is one of the most reliable and underrated of our of uber-creative plays-on-words.  No other oft-repeated phrase carries any historical reference to plans and ideals for rebuilding allied countries than that of former Secretary of State George C. Marshall’s. 

Until athletes named after “Baghdad” or “Dafur” exist, “The Marshall Plan” will maintain its spot as one of our field’s ageless and best-kept phrases.

Rule Number Six :: Stay Classy, San Diego!
The people LOVE pop-culture references, and that’s why “Stay Classy San Diego” is one of our primary rules.  Taken from the hit film So I Married an Axe Murderer starring former SNL great Mike Meyers, we implore you to liberally sprinkle the phrase any time discussion of San Diego athletes or teams takes place.  Even if it doesn’t fit in the present context, use it anyway.  Like I said earlier, the people LOVE pop culture references. 

[Note: the author realizes the quote is from Ron Burgundy in Anchorman; he just thinks its funny to picture the nerdy professor thinking it came from a horrible Mike Myers flick.]

Rule Number Seven :: Charlie Weis is the man for the job
If a coaching vacancy comes up in the National Football League, Charlie Weis is automatically a prime candidate.  It doesn’t matter that he’s locked up until the year 2015, Charlie Weis is a freak of genius – any football team in the National Football League would do everything it could to grasp him.  We ask that you mention Weis’ name atop the coaching candidate list even if your claim is completely unfounded and factually baseless.

Rule Number Eight :: The Madsen Dance
Rule 8 could apply as a corollary to Rules 1 and 4, but we decided to let it stand on its own.  Regarding television highlights of a team’s championship parade celebration, you must follow up any athlete or coach tomfoolery with video of former Lakers big-man Mark Madsen dancing.  This will also allow you to open the door to Shaquille O’Neal rapping, and as we all know, Shaq rapping = fun, awesomeness, and most importantly, RATINGS. 

Plus, you can get “risqué” and “edgy” by telling the people that “white men can’t dance!”  However, should Madsen reveal in the future that he is actually black and you mention that “black people can’t dance”, you will be fired immediately and likely remain isolated and miserable for the rest of your life.

Rule Number Nine :: The Coming Out Party
If a young or unproven professional athlete without a championship performs exceptionally well on a national stage, it need be referred to as said athlete’s “coming out party”.  Though said player may not have any ties to homosexual tendencies, we deem the coming out party as a colloquialism with completely asexual connotations so all potential questions can be averted. 

Rule Number Ten :: Welcome to the National Football League
In an interesting twist, the athlete gearing up for his coming out party can also be a victim of a rude and vicious welcome to the National Football League.  When a rookie football player in the National Football League gets tackled, blocked or hit unusually hard, we demand the phrase "Welcome to the National Football League.” 

In the past many in the media have become lazy and voiced a simple “Welcome to the NFL” … let me tell you something, that phrase is bogus and will not, under any circumstances, be tolerated.  The National Football League need not be desecrated with a silly acronym which fails to show off the intellectual prowess of us, the large-word-bearing journalists.  We’re the beacon of the verbal communication light and we must act like it in accordance.  By saying “National Football League” we’re telling the audience, “We’re journalists, we know what we’re talking about, and you don’t because you’re likely at home watching because you're fat, lazy, and stupid and aren't cool enough to know football players like we do.”

Rule Number 11 :: Sleepless in Seattle
Rule 11 applies mainly to the headline community, both print and online.  Any headline detailing news of a player, coach or team in Seattle, you are to start the headline with the phrase from the classic Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan film.  Example: “Sleepless in Seattle: Weaver heading to DL.” 

It’s another shining example of the phenomenon that is the pop-culture reference in the sports community.  The people love pop culture.  LOVE it.  And feel free to dabble Rule 11 on television or radio packages; the situation need not dictate that said reference should make any logical sense whatsoever.

Rule Twelve :: Hunt For October
Much like Rules 3, 6, and 11 before it, the “Hunt for October” is a staple for pop-culture references.  Taken from the movie starring Sean Connery, Alec Baldwin and Tim Curry, it is highly beneficial to all involved, from the production crew down to the statisticians, that from the trading deadline until the end of the regular baseball season, we give the “Hunt for October” reference to any and all television, radio and print stories involving 1st, 2nd and 3rd place teams in each division. 

Everyone with a reasonable shot at postseason play is hunting for that October schedule.  What better way to encapsulate the moment than with a beautiful, creative, none-too-predictable euphemism from a one of Hollywood’s classic films of 1990.  Once again the people will LOVE it – and we’re all about giving the people what they want. 
____

The floor is now open for discussion. 

Any comments, suggestions, or questions?

The Rules for Snappiness in Mainstream Media Seminar was written by Pat Imig.  He's white and knows how to dance... like really, really well.  Email him at patrick@joesportsfan.com

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