After over four years of providing our own version of sports entertainment, the staff at Joe SportsFan is well aware that absolutely no one out there gives a crap about our predictions for the NFL season.  Nor would we expect anyone to.

So when it comes to our NFL “preview” edition (we’re required by federal law to do one, you know) we tend to lean on some simple gimmicks to get our point across, the same type of gimmicks we’d normally make fun of the media for. 

In years past we’ve managed to find a way to compare NFL teams to our favorite beers, hair metal bands, karate movies and Muppets.   And that’s not as easy as it sounds people - you try finding a reason to compare the Tennessee Titans to Guy Smiley. 

First up for 2007is the NFC and we’re comparing it to one of my personal favorite discussion topics, Fast Food Chains. 

NFC EAST
Dallas Cowboys – Pizza Hut
When you’re thinking of ordering out for pizza, Pizza Hut normally pops into the mind, good or bad.  And when they arrive at your door, it’s really a crapshoot as to whether you’re going to get a solid, cheesy pie to enjoy or a greasy mess that makes it a task to choke down two slices.  The Cowboys seem to be one of those teams that carry the same mystery.  We may get a sharp Tony Romo, quiet, productive TO and a revitalized Wade Phillips. Or we may get an inconsistent Romo, psycho TO and…regular Wade Phillips.  Speaking of Pizza Hut, does anyone else think that their spokesman, Queen Latifah, might make a fine tackle to protect Romo’s blind side?

Philadelphia Eagles – Hardees
Not quite sure what to expect from Philly this season.  They could be a Super Bowl contender if the pieces fall into place but, with rookie Kevin Kolb backing up at QB in place of Jeff Garcia, they could very easily fall apart if Donovan McNabb goes down as he’s apt to do.   For reasons that have nothing to do with football, Hardees, easily the most meatheaded of all the fast food restaurants with several Thickburgers checking in at over 100 grams of fat, just seemed to fit with Philly.  Between the fans in Zubaz, the brawls in the crowd and Andy Reid’s cholesterol level, it just made sense.

New York Giants – Subway
If there’s one fast food restaurant that we all wouldn’t mind getting away from it’s Subway.  There’s one in seemingly in every retail strip mall in America and every time you turn on your TV you’re subjected to Jared holding up a pair of his gigantic old pants chastising you for liking French fries.  Like we’re supposed to feel guilty because Jared used to be an obese mongoloid.  The Giants are equally annoying.  Between the media practically begging for Eli Manning to be a top tier QB, to the ridiculous stories of Tom Coughlin and his maniacal antics in the locker room, it’s all getting tiresome.  If that wasn’t exhausting enough, now we’ve got to listen to Tiki Barber take shots at all of his former teammates in a desperate grab for attention.  Here’s hoping that Tiki, Coughlin, Eli and Jared decide to share a Subway Club on a deserted island somewhere. 

Washington Redskins – Sonic
Young, unproven quarterback, injury prone and completely insane running back, head coach whose mind is in pit row, grossly overpaid defensive coordinator and an owner who has rebuilt the team no less than five times since he bought it, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for your 2007 Washington Redskins!  Basically the only thing worse than the Redskins are the horrific Sonic commercials that are bad enough to make me want to boycott their cheesy tater tots.  And people, you have no idea how much I like cheese tater tots. 

NFC SOUTH
New Orleans Saints – Jack in the Box
Both sort of came from nowhere to assume their spot atop their respective industry.  Years back, Jack in the Box was a weird fast food joint that wasn’t really known for anything in particular.  In St. Louis they actually changed their name to Monterrey Jack’s for a brief stint. Then they started packaging two of those tasty deep fried tacos for $1, launched an amusing ad campaign centered around a giant headed owner, tossed out some quality burgers and suddenly it was one of the top options in the fast food world (at least in my eyes).   Consider Drew Brees the deep fried tacos, Reggie Bush/Marques Colston the amusing ad campaign and Sean Payton the burger. 

Editor’s Note: We guarantee that JSF is the only place this year to compare Drew Brees to a deep fried taco.  Take that Sean Salisbury.

Carolina Panthers – Steak N Shake
The Panthers, just like Steak N Shake, always sound good on paper.  You get yourself all riled up for a steakburger, maybe a chili three-way and then you pull into the drive thru and proceed to wait for 35 minutes. When you finally do get to the window, you realize that you’ve just been asked to fork over $10 for a fast food meal.  It’s about this time when you look across the street at Jack in the Box and realize you could have gone there, eaten like a king for $3 and been home mowing down tacos right now.  Not much of that has to do with the Panthers, but they both seem to differ from perception to reality.  A lot has to do with a disappointing 8-8 season last year in Carolina when they were predicted by many to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl.  With an inconsistent Jake Delhomme under center and neither running back doing much to distinguish himself, we expect more of the same in ‘07. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Kentucky Fried Chicken
If you want an absolute guarantee that you’ll feel like crap by 5:00 on a Sunday afternoon this fall, may we suggest watching an entire Tampa Bay Bucs game from start to finish while eating a bucket of original recipe from KFC.  Boring football + loads of grease = surefire nausea. 

Atlanta Falcons – Burger King
When Dateline did a secret survey to test the cleanliness of each major fast food chain, Burger King proved the dirtiest.  Not surprisingly, the trouble spot was a restaurant in Virginia which was cited for numerous health code issues including employees not washing their hands, dirt and grime in the ice chute and reports of drowning and electrocuting dogs in the back room. 

NFC NORTH
Chicago Bears – McDonalds
There may be a trouble spot or two, but Mickey D’s is still the class of its division.  They have the best fries, best breakfast, best fountain soda, best kid’s meals, and the only issue is that it’s all being pitched to you by a mascot that kind of freaks you out.  If anyone can sympathize with the concept of putting loads of talent around a questionable centerpiece, it’s the Bears.

Detroit Lions – Wendy’s
Notice that I didn’t mention that McDonald’s had the best value menu.  No sir, Wendy’s dominates that category.  Where else can you get three bacon cheeseburgers and wash them down with a chocolate Frosty for $4?  In the spirit of Wendy’s strength, the Lions seem like a good value pick in the NFC North.  The addition of Calvin Johnson and Tatum Bell might give Mike Martz just enough tools to unleash a frightening offense on the NFC. 

Green Bay Packers – Arby’s
At my neighborhood Arby’s, there’s a roast beef slicer named Brent who used to be one of the best at making the perfect roast beef and cheddar sandwich.  God, he had so much fun back there. He was a total beef-slinger. Then he gradually started slipping even though no one wanted to admit it.  The roast beef wasn’t cut as thin, he was accidentally given people turkey sandwiches by mistake and every time I’d ask the manager what was wrong, he’d just say that the supporting cast around Brent wasn’t as good as it had been and that he was pressing trying to make beef and cheddars like he used to.  It got to the point where he thought about hanging up his apron.  But he’s back this year and by all accounts, he looks like he’s ten years younger slicing that meat.  Could be a big year.  

Minnesota Vikings – Fazolis
If a top notch QB in the NFL is like a heaping bowl of your Italian grandma’s mostacolli, then Tavaris Jackson is like a heaping bowl of mostacolli you get at a Fazolis drive thru for $4. 

NFC WEST
Seattle Seahawks – Taco Bell
In a division like the NFC West where the gap between top and bottom is so slim, Seattle is always a safe option.  Taco Bell is much the same – open late, always has some good new options on the menu to compliment the traditional favorites and considering the price, it’s low risk.  And really, you probably only get food poisoning one out of every ten times. 

St. Louis Rams – Dairy Queen
Once again it appears like the Rams are the Dairy Queen of the NFL – one dimensional.  They have been able to create quite a reputation when it comes to offensive firepower over the past several years, but have never been able to consistently figure out the defense.  Walk into Dairy Queen and people are raving about their blizzards and ice cream cakes, but most sing a different tune when it comes to ordering one of their chili cheeseburgers.    Learn to do both and they’ll be up with the big boys.

San Francisco 49ers – Rally’s
Honest to god, I have no idea how Rally’s and the San Francisco 49ers are connected.  I really have no real insight as to why I think the 49ers will finish third in the NFC West.  I’m thinking it might be wise just to predict everyone in the division to finish 8-8 so I don’t look like an idiot when all is said and done.  One thing is for sure though – Rally’s seasoned fries are tasty. 

Arizona Cardinals – White Castle
Always seem like they’re good going in, but when all is said and done, it ain’t pretty. 

Check back later today for part two of the JSF NFL preview in which we stretch to compare each AFC team to a classic horror movie villain.  It’s really a must read before you place any bets this weekend. 

JSF Weekly is written by Josh Bacott.  He really hopes that Brent starts slinging beef at Arby’s like he knows he can.  E-mail him at josh@joesportsfan.com