Dear Football Fans,

The NFL season  is upon us, and  I wanted to pass along my sincere thanks and gratitude for single-handedly ruining my Sundays.  Without all of you, the JSF readers, I wouldn’t be facing a laptop at 1:00 in the morning while I sip an ice cold H-2-Izzle and listen to Kenny Mayne narrate highlights in a hilariously unfunny way.

Speaking of fun, I’d like to point out that Brett Favre has more fun than you (his pantry is filled with nothing but jars of fun).  When Favre’s kicker Mason Crosby kicked the game winning field goal Sunday afternoon in Green Bay, Favre totally had fun down on the sideline.  He was hamming it up, smiling like a kid…. he was having a great time. 

Brett Favre’s teammates love him.  The fans love Brett Favre.  And I love Brett Favre. 

You should too; if you want to have fun, that is.

-- Doctor Football

“ Wes Welker will have an impact in this football column.”

1st and 652
<1>
You might not be familiar with Browns WR Josh Cribbs, but I’m fairly confident you’ll be a huge fan after learning he predicted his Browns would beat the Steelers. I’m confident you’ll be a Cribbs fan, but I won’t guarantee it, like Josh:

"We're going to take this game and win it, and we're going to move on.  It's not even a second thought in our heads. There's no doubt in my mind [we're going to win].  I don’t want to guarantee it, because after the fact you look stupid — but I’d be stupid to have a lack of confidence in our team.  I never want to give another team more motivation to win and me guaranteeing it would give them the motivation they need.  I’m just going to say that the confidence of winning the game is in our favor.”

See there?  Josh Cribbs was kind enough and respectful enough to avoid filing an official guarantee with the NFL offices.  It’s refreshing that in this age of foolish guarantees, a wide receiver would refrain from crossing that dreaded “Line of Guarantee”.  And it’s a good thing too; otherwise Cribbs would look like a complete and utter idiot and buffoon.  Instead, Josh Cribbs is just an idiot because the Browns got spanked.  And there’s no doubt in my mind about that (but I won’t guarantee it). 

Oh, and since Cribbs refrained from giving the Steelers “motivation”, is that to say they would have won 64-7 had the formal guarantee paper work been completed? 

<2>
Continuing with the yes is no bulletin board material, new Lions running back Tatum Bell got a bit irked at the Raiders after hearing the team created a fumbling drill in practice last week in his name:

"I'm a little ticked off… I ain't never had a fumble against them, so I don't know why they feel it's a problem.  "No, it ain't an issue at all.  I'm not thinking about it or nothing.” 

"From the beginning of the game to the end of the game you might catch me out there jawing with a lot of those guys, maybe the coaches, too.  I'm going to find one of the defensive coordinators and tell him how I feel about it."

Much like Josh Cribbs refraining from filing an official guarantee, Tatum Bell is going to give the Raiders a piece of his mind… but he’s not thinking about it, because if he was, that would take away from the team.  Man, Tatum Bell is a CLASS ACT!

Fun fact about Tatum Bell: he never pays for the doughnut he eats while grocery shopping.  

<3>
I have to disagree with Fox’s Troy Aikman when he said Bears linebacker Lance Briggs is now a household name because of the offseason deal he signed.  I think the discrepancy comes at the time and place of household naming.  It wasn’t really until Briggs he crashed a $350,000 Lamborghini and left it on the side of the road.  That helped a lot in the household naming process.

<4>
Steve Smith set a personal goal of 2000 yards receiving this year, something he says will help in the healing process of his grandmother recovering from triple bypass surgery.  To accomplish the feat, Smith needs to reel in 125 yards every game.  Sunday in St. Louis, he came up 7 yards short at 118.  I don’t want to make a joke about Steve Smith’s ailing grandma suffering more because of Steve’s horrible failure, because that just isn’t the nice thing to do.  But if I was going to, I’d likely say that with 7 or 8 more weeks under 125, Grandma Smith will probably need a respirator. 

Another reason I wouldn’t joke about a grandmother’s deteriorating health stemming from her grandson’s on-field failures is because Steve Smith is really, really small and could very well be hiding out with my change under the couch cushions.  Hell, he could be hiding in the QWERTY row of my laptop for all I know. 

Fan-Submitted Question of the Column
Have you ever seen Steve Smith scamper?

Jonathan, Charleston South Carolina
_____

Jonathan,

I have seen him scamper.  He’s a really fast scamperer.

-- patrick

<5>
The Chargers played host to the Bears Sunday in what turned into a battle between two coaches making their debuts.  For Chicago, Bob Babych coordinated the defense and proved to bring some serious pressure to Philip Rivers (I saw it and I analyzed it – just like the guys on TV), while Norv Turner did a completely god-awful-terrible-horrible-this-guy-can’t coach-and-only-got-the-win-because-of-the-talent-on-the-team job in his first game as Chargers head coach.  Oddly enough, Norv’s brother Ron is the offensive coordinator for the Bears and Ron’s brother Norv is the new head coach of the Chargers.  They are both uncles to backup running back Michael Turner. 

Ron’s brother Norv is a horrible person and even worse head coach.  Absolutely no way he’s an upgrade over the guy who loses every meaningful game.  Nope.  No way, Jose!  And there really aren’t too many things idiot-jerkface Norv Turner can do well.  The only example I can think of is the time I went to Norv’s house for a barbecue.  Steak was on the menu and it was delicious - but everyone attributed the quality of the meal to Grade A steaks and fresh corn on the cob rather than Norv’s cooking.

Is Norv short for Norvan? 

<6>
Speaking of Norv’s team, LaDainian Tomlinson really got under the skin of Brian Urlacher and the Bears early in the week when he (GASP) appeared in a Nike commercial running through the Chicago defense.  Not only that, but Tomlinson had the audacity to guarantee Nike that he’d do the commercial, and even signed a contract to make it legally binding.  

So everyone who says “LT” is “classy” is sorely mistaken.  I will say, though, it was very respectful of LaDainian to abstain from running through the Bears defense in Sunday’s game like he did in the Nike commercial.  It was even nicer of the Bears to allow Tomlinson the freedom to throw a touchdown pass.  I think, deep down, the Bears were secretly auditioning Tomlinson to take over their starting quarterback role – the guy they got in there now is brutally awful. 

<7>
The NFL Shop commercial featuring Herm Edwards proves, if nothing else, Herm Edwards is a true humanitarian.  Herm is pretty much the only NFL head coach I can think of who would willingly divulge his offensive playbook on national television. 

“Fox, go!”

“Johnson, go!”

“Smith, go!”

Just a perfect example of Herm’s playbook consistency, that commercial is.

<8>
Say what you want about Michael Strahan, but at least he CARES.  Sure, he doesn’t care about being a team player and doesn’t care about training camp while he frames the Giants hierarchy as heartless bastards all in a successful attempt to get his name in the paper.  But, but, but, but, BUT… he cares enough about the people at home to do promos for NBC’s Sunday night telecast, and he cares enough to allow the NFL to film his visits to elementary schools for league-related commercials.  Michael Strahan cares. 

Do you? 

<9>
Jay Cutler managed to throw just one touchdown against the Bills in his ’07 debut, but I gotta be honest: it was so John Elway.  So was Cutler's come back victory, a victory in which he led his team down the field in a last second drive.  Oh, and Cutler was kind enough to donate his playing shoes to an area blacksmith immediately following the game, which was to be converted into glue.  That’s vintage John Elway too.

Jay Cutler = John Elway


<652>
All of you football fans are morons because you don’t realize how good Wes Welker will be for the Patriots this season.  All you do is overlook the guy.  He had 67 catches last year, then signed with the Patriots this season.  I’m here to tell you Wes Welker is going to have a big impact on the Pats this season.  And oh by the way, he had 6 catches yesterday with a touchdown.

“I told you guys Wes Welker would have an impact in today’s column"

The Monday Football Column is written by Pat Imig.  He thinks Wes Welker is a good player.  Email him at patrick@joesportsfan.com