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Dearest Football Plebeians,

The online cousin of Encyclopedia Brittanica, Wikipedia, sayeth this about revenge: 

“Revenge (also vengeance, retribution, or vendetta amongst others) consists primarily of retaliation against a person or group in response to a perceived wrongdoing. Although many aspects of revenge resemble or echo the concept of justice, revenge usually has a more injurious than harmonious goal. The goal of revenge usually consists of forcing the perceived wrongdoer to suffer the same pain that was originally inflicted.”

It’s been said revenge is a dish best served cold, but as Week4 in the National Football League proved, revenge is also well served in controlled climates, rain and humidity and the sunny calm of Ohio.  Quick revenge story: it was with great resolve (and irony) that on Revenge Sunday, I avenged the 7 year old who hit a tennis ball onto my front lawn just 24 hours earlier.  That son of a bitch better learn to keep his hands and feet off my property from this point forward --- I hope he enjoys riding his seat-less bicycle with no air in the tires.

In the name of the Favre and of the Romo and of the holy Lambeau,

Most Rev. Doctor Jerome Football

1st and 974
<1>
Yes hi, I’m looking for an empty guarantee [slash] idle threat.  Oh, why thank you Isaac Bruce, how quick and thoughtful of you.  Yes, yes, I thank you for your actions early last week, formally predicting, i.e., guaranteeing a Rams win in Dallas.  Sixty minutes and 42 points later, the Rams were on the short end of Bruce’s pledge to victory. 

It wasn’t exactly a loss for the Rams and Isaac, though; it was just that when time expired, the Cowboys had more points.  Much like Lions wide receiver Roy Williams before him, Isaac seemingly fell flat on his face thanks to St. Louis’ failure to back up the prophecy.  And much like Roy Williams’ team of yesteryear, it’s not even funny how close the Rams were to putting 40 points on the board.  Had they done that, Dallas wouldn’t be undefeated.  

Revenge served Inept: Scott Linehan avenged all the people who rip him for red zone ineptitude, leading the Rams to one red zone score out of 2 tries.  Yeah, I know the box score says “0-2”, but Dante Hall ran from the 20 to the end zone on part of his punt return for a TD.  For the year, the Rams are 2-10 inside the red zone, and because of that, Scott Linehan sucks.

<2>
Speaking of Roy Williams, he ran his mouth (shocking) on a Detroit radio station early in the week, saying teams fear the Bears "for some odd reason" and he doesn't see "what's so good about the Bears."  I think he might be on to something, as Chicago is now 1-3.  Even with Brian Griese at the helm, the Bears only managed 20 offensive points and coughed up the ball 3 times (all of them Griese interceptions), they also committed 14 penalties, and for the year, the Bears have turned the ball over 14 times in 4 games. 

To be fair to Chicago though, they’ve played 4 teams with a combined record of 10-6.  And some would point to injuries as a reason for the Bears decline on defense in recent weeks.  Sunday, Jon Kitna completed 20 of 24 passes and the Lions put up 34 4th quarter points against a team without Mike Brown, Lance Briggs, Tommie Harris and Charles Tillman.  Also out for the Bears was safety Adam Archuleta, but that was a good thing because Adam Archuleta doesn’t know how to cover anyone, and tackles like a blind primate. 

Revenge served Frugally: Regardless of backing up guarantees or trash talk or wins against the Bears, Roy Williams always avenges the Pizza Delivery Guy.  You cheap ass.

<3>
Full disclosure: Brett Favre is playing well this season.  There, happy?  He broke a record of some kind yesterday and celebrated by donning his lucky jorts and gazing into his draft day photo (courtesy of deadspin.com).

Green Bay is now 4-0, and “appears” to be an elite team in the NFC.  I’m not convinced, nor will I ever be convinced a team is one of the league's finest when its pass play to run ratio is a scary 50 to 16 as it was Sunday in Minnesota.  And yeah, for the year, the Packers have dropped back 175 times compared to 75 rushes.  In yardage terms, that’s 1,149 to 217 in favor of the pass --- and that's good for 54 rushing yards per game, last in the NFL (!!!).  

Revenge served with Severe Odor: Ryan Longwell kicked 3 field goals against his former team.  He also left  his decaying kicking shoe of 24 years in Mason Crosby’s locker.

<4>
In the game that symbolized revenge more than any other on Sunday (our revenge experts told me that), Daunte Culpepper rushed for 3 TDs and threw for 2 more in the Raiders 35-17 victory over the Dolphins.  After scoring one of his rushing TDs, Culpepper pointed to his knee to let the Miami fans and organization know that his knee is just a few weeks away from blowing out again. 

Bonus Revenge served Disrespectfully: Jerry Porter hauled in 2 TD passes and 50+ yards receiving, avenging his not-blood brother Joey Porter with an ice cold dish of disrespect.  Jerry also fed Joey’s dog a heaping bag of horse manure.   

Monday Night Start ‘em and Sit ‘em
Start Tom Brady and Chad Johnson

Sit the Patriots’ backup QB and Chris Henry

<5>
The Browns are now a .500 team thanks to Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow.  I’d also give some credit to Steve McNair and especially Brian Billick, who were responsible for 54 passes in a game which they were never as close as the score indicated.  At what point will it become not only accepted, but encouraged to refer to Brian Billick as “The head coach formerly known as offensive genius now acknowledged as arrogant egomaniac?” 

Revenge served from a Chronically Sore Behind: After the Ravens unceremoniously dumped Jamal Lewis, he hopped on the Browns bandwagon.  Sunday, he rushed for 63 yards and a TD against his old team, proving you can still be an effective runner after converting to and from crack-dealing prison whore. 

<6>
In the upset of the day, the Cardinals beat the Steelers 21-14 and moved to 2-2 on the season.  With a trip to St. Louis on the horizon, the Cardinals are headed into their Week 6 contest at home against Carolina with a winning record.  If David Carr is still quarterbacking the Panthers, the Cardinals would assure themselves a winning record heading into their Week 8 bye, regardless of the Week 7 game at Washington.  I say that because David Carr is atrociously embarrassing.   

Revenge served Grimm (***clever***): Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm put a hurting on the Steelers, just months after losing out to Omar Epps for the head coaching gig.  And considering the Steelers failed to show up for a full 60 minutes, it was fitting that Ben Roethlisberger failed to show Ken Whisenhunt respect in the form of a handshake after the game.  This photo may inform people as to why he “didn’t show up” to shake the man's hand… (pssstttt.... it looks like Roethlisberger)

<7>
Staying a game up on the previously mentioned Cardinals is the defending NFC West champion Seattle Seahawks, thanks to a severe beating delivered to the 49ers.  On the third play from scrimmage, Alex Smith got knocked out by Rocky Bernard (TKO by Rocky… Tee-Hee) and the “Super Bowl winning” Trent Dilfer took over.  Dilfer fit into Alex Smith’s shoes quite nicely, completing 12 of 33 with 2 interceptions, keeping the 49ers offense on track as if nothing ever happened. 

Through a quarter of the season, the 49ers have displayed a pathetic, lethargic offense, and you know who I blame?  Marty Schottenheimer.  Think about it: Marty loses his job, but does so at a time when Wade Phillips had already taken over for the Cowboys.  In steps Norv Turner and KABLAM: the Chargers are 1-3 and Frank Gore hasn’t been the same without his offensive coordinator.  I think we can all agree that Marty Schottenheimer needs to drive into an oversized propane tank (metaphorically speaking, of course.)

Revenge served Not At All: Darrell Jackson tormented his former team to the tune of 38 yards receiving on 3 catches.  He’s already listed as questionable for Week 5 (vagina).

<8>
After giving up 30 points to to a Herm Edwards-coached team [HANG ON, DID I TYPE THAT RIGHT?  DID I?  DID I, I DEMAND!?!?!?!  HERM EDWARDS’ OFFENSE SCORED 30 POINTS… IN ONE GAME?], I’m starting to buy into the theory that the Chargers have changed for the worse and you know who I blame?  Mike Reilly.  If Reilly hadn’t been fired 5 years ago, then Marty Schottenheimer never would have been hired and subsequently created a domino effect that has temporarily impaired two west coast teams. 

Oh, and memo to Norv Turner: when your running back rushes for over 100 yards in the 1st half and only touches the ball 3 times in the 3rd quarter (when your team is up by 10 no less), you should be strapped to said propane tank that Marty Schottenheimer metaphorically drives into.

Revenge served Donnie: Donnie Edwards had 7 tackles against the team that failed to resign him following the ’06 season.  He was also listed as playing for the MLB's San Diego Chargers in a low budget, B-grade porno.

<974>
The Colts are 4-0 while the Broncos have fallen to 2-2.  And Mike Shanahan sleeps in tanning beds.  And that historically awesome secondary is partly responsible for the horribly awful run defense, which came into the game ranked 29th.  The Colts popped for 225 yards rushing on Sunday. 

Revenge served Stokley: Even though it was in a losing effort, Brandon Stokley proved why he’s the better slot receiver, hauling in 2 catches for a blistering 20 yards, compared to his Indianapolis replacement, Anthony Gonzalez, who had just 1 catch for 19.  Suck on that, Gonzalez.

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