When the New England Patriots brushed aside the Philadelphia Eagles in the 2005 Super Bowl, the overriding theme was their crowning as a “dynasty” by the media.  It took the Patriots three Super Bowls to obtain their contrived title, as those in charge were wary of recent unfulfilled dynasties-in-the-making. A few years earlier, the desperate mainstream media was primed and ready to plaster the label on the Rams during the Greatest Show on Turf days at the promise of just two titles, only to have their stories ripped to shreds when the upstart Patriots started their own ascent towards Dynastyville.   

Shortly after the Pats third championship, we penned a column about the media obsession with the fictional status as a “dynasty”.  We simply figured that if it was so important to everyone, why not make it an official process:

Maybe it’s time for the NFL to write up some formal criteria for what a team needs to accomplish to become a ‘dynasty’ because otherwise the argument as to whether or not they qualify will remain pointless. 

After watching the NFL for the better part of two decades and more importantly, studying the media that covers it, we think we’ve finally pieced together the formal criteria we were looking for as to what allows a team to qualify as a dynasty. 

All we had to do was turn on our Nintendo and pop in Contra.  

Allow us to explain.  In Konami’s Contra, two marines named Bill and Lance are sent to New Zealand to battle an alien named Red Falcon.  If Bill and Lance are able to make it through eight grueling levels, each filled with its own twists and turns, earth is saved and they are lauded as heroes.

Similarly, the painstaking trip from being just another team amidst the parity in the NFL, to full-fledged dynasty status is equally difficult, featuring eight distinct levels before the Quest is complete.  The levels can take years to complete and are conveniently categorized and simplified by the media for easy reference.

In a league like the NFL where upsets are commonplace, Level 1 is fairly simple to achieve.  A team that has some talent, figures out how to use their weapons and pieces it together against a quality opponent.  It could take a few attempts for them to finally get it right, but if they’re able to build off of the momentum and string a few wins together, suddenly they’re the football equivalent of the Machine Gun in Contra – not great but certainly better than the crap you had before you upgraded. 

Every successful football team has to establish their identity at some point in the process.  To the average non-football analyst, the “identity” of a team might not mean much, but it’s critical when you’re looking to mindlessly label a team for convenience sake.  Are they known for having a ferocious defense, a punishing running attack or as the brainchild of a socially retarded genius who wears cut off hoodies at all times?

Also known as “making a statement”, the coming out party is always nationally televised and features the destruction of a traditionally powerful team.  It’s pretty much the football equivalent to the picture on the left – a little dude and his machine gun taking down a giant alien, dragon that is shooting fireballs at him.  Except the NFL version normally features John Madden in some way. 

A team isn’t technically deemed to be for real until they win one of those elusive “games that good teams win”.  You know the type – on the road, several turnovers, scoreboard should probably have them down by a few TD’s only they somehow squeak out a victory.  The Patriots scored a game that good teams win in ’01 when they went into New York and took out the rival Jets in a hard fought 17-16 victory.  That win, coming on the heels of a bitter loss to the dominant Rams two weeks earlier, pushed Belichick’s bunch to the brink of Level 5… 

 
There are a precious few certainties in the world of professional football.  One of those certainties is that you do not want to be around when your favorite team plays an opponent who has just unleashed its Swagger.  Swagger is the sporting equivalent of the Sasquatch – difficult to identify, mythical in nature and able to decimate everything in its path if you steal its beef jerky.  Only Swagger could possibly allow for Lance to take on the killer Zamboni machine like he does at the end of Level 5.    

 
Usually taking place in the playoffs, the Changing of the Guard simply refers to the traditional powerhouse being toppled by the up and coming hot shot.  Some classic examples include the Cowboys knocking off the 49ers in the early 90’s and Frank Dux defeating Chong Li in the Kumite.   Allow us to describe a cliché with a cliché - to be the best you’ve got to beat the best. 

Like our brave Marines in Contra, Level 7 is the product of a gut-wrenching journey through an obstacle course littered with traps.  They’ve finally entered Red Falcon’s lair.  In the NFL, when the clock runs out on the Super Bowl, the winning team’s goal is finally achieved.   No one can question the status of the team, its coaches or players again as they’ve established their spot atop the sport.  That is unless they are type that strives for more…strives for the ultimate media designation…

It takes another year of toppling all challengers and doing so with a target on their back, but the team that is able to successfully defend their championship, ripping out the heart of their opponents in the process, can officially submit their application to the NFL press to be considered a “dynasty”. 

Of course, there are no guarantees.  Teams with two titles have been bypassed before, as it largely depends on how desperate the media is for a storyline to push at that time.  But in today’s NFL environment, with prepackaged storylines at a premium, two Super Bowls should be enough to warrant entry into this most elite fraternity….

JSF Weekly is written by Josh Bacott (and Pat Imig).  They think that anyone who believes Lazer's are better than Spread guns in Contra is a lunatic.  E-mail at josh@joesportsfan.com