“I had 29 surgeries as a professional football player in the National Football League.  That's how I can tell you that this column knows how to execute and that’s what makes it so successful.” – Mark Schlereth

Hey folks.  Everyone is celebrating the amazing Tom Brady and New England Patriots, and rightfully so.  Because of that, I’m taking a different route, no scratch that, I’m taking the complete opposite route: we’re celebrating football futility at its finest, otherwise known as the ’07 St. Louis Rams (and the Greatest Show in Hell). 

1st and 55,000,000
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In the 12 years since the Rams migrated from L.A. to St. Louis, I can say with 100% certainty that I’ve never seen a worse professional football team than the 2007 Rams.  Sunday, the Seahawks disposed of them 33-6, in a game which St. Louis turned the ball over 5 times and committed 8 penalties. 

For the season, the numbers pretty much tell the story.   At 0-7, the Rams have been outscored 192 to 79.

Points Allowed ---192--- tied for dead last with the New York Jets.

Points Scored ---79--- 2nd worst in the league, 1 point ahead of their NFC West counterpart, the San Francisco 49ers.  However, the Rams rank DEAD LAST in points per game (11.3) because Frisco has already had their bye week.  As pathetic and dreadful as the ’07 49ers offense is (think: Alex Smith, Trent Dilfer, Arnaz Battle), they’re only 1 point behind the Rams and have played 60 less minutes.  On average, the Rams lose by 16 every game.  On the road, the Rams have lost 4 games by a total of 85 points (114-29), an average loss of 38-10.

Red Zone Ineptitude --- The Rams traveled inside the Seattle 20 two times Sunday and failed to score touchdowns, two times.  For the season, Linehan’s team has scored 4 touchdowns in 16 red zone opportunities.  As documented in the Week 2 edition of the MFC, Linehan has a history with this sort of thing.  Linehan is not a finisher: he’s good at dishing out some cutesy fun foreplay, but when it comes time to climax, he stalls and reverts to more foreplay.

In their last 18 games --- the Rams are 4-14 and have been outscored 475-335, a robust 140 point deficit. 

In their last 5 games --- the Rams have been outscored 148-50.  The number 50 is a tad misleading considering 31 of those points came in Week 4 against Arizona. 

Tattered offensive line --- Marc Bulger and Gus Frerotte have been sacked 24 times, good for second worst in the league.

Turnover Ratio --- Worst in the league at -12

Yards Per Game --- 30th in the league at 274 per

Passing YPG --- 23rd in the league, at 196 per

Passing TD --- 23rd in the league with 5

Interceptions --- Worst in the league with 15

Passer Rating --- Worst in the league at 53.8.  Do you realize there is actually a pro team with Joey Harrington and Byron Leftwich as it’s quarterbacks and they’re not last?  Yes, it’s true.

Rushing YPG --- 28th in the league with 82.6 per

Rushing TD --- Dead last, with 0 (!!!ZERO!!!)

Missed Field Goals --- Second worst in the league with 6. 

3rd Down percentage --- 27th in the league at 34%

Penalties --- 28th in the league with 46

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So, having digested all of the above crap, you’d have to figure it’s only a matter of time before Scott Linehan gets the ax.  Yes, there have been a rash of injuries and yes, Linehan is just a year and a half in to his term, but home games are being blacked out from local TV, the players aren’t responding to the Coach --- the team failed to respond to his outbursts this past week -- and the offensive play calling has been horrible since Scotty Sidespike retook the controls from offensive coordinator Greg Olson earlier this season.

Linehan’s display Sunday was quite alarming and disgusting.  Inside their own 20 yard line with just 3 points on the board and less than 30 seconds in the 1st half, the Rams drop back to throw, then follow it up with a Brian Leonard run for no gain instead of sitting on the ball and heading to the locker room down 7.  Down 27 inside 3 minutes in the 4th quarter, Marc Bulger is still in the game, even though his ribs are screwed up and he injured his knee earlier in the half.  Why?  Why are the Rams throwing the ball anyway?

The bottom line is that the 2 most recent employers of Scott Linehan are 0-14 this year.  And if the Rams and Dolphins played in Week 8, Miami would win by 14 or more.  The one positive in all of this for Rams fans is that betting against St. Louis every week is a near guarantee gambling victory.  That’s why it’s a great time to be a Rams fan! (!!!)

Oh, and one other note on the *not positive* karma swarming around the Rams: Fox’s play-by-play announcer for the game was Matt Devlin (above).  Sure, that might not mean anything on the surface, but St. Louis is home to Michael Devlin and Michael Devlin does to little boys what Mike Holmgren does to deepfried crabmeat.  Hey Fox, you might want to get a different name for the next telecast, no?

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The team who delivered the Rams their Sunday beating, the Seahawks, took over first place in the NFC West at 4-3.  In typical fashion, Mike [I, like Mike Shanahan, get a free pass from the media because I won a Super Bowl over a decade ago] Holmgren ran all 15 of his scripted offensive plays in the 1st half.  The play chart resembled:

Pass
Run
Pass
Pass
Pass
Playaction pass
Pass
Jimmy Dean sausage patty
MMMM
Run left
Pass
Deepfried crabmeat
Naked boobs
Pass
Pass

Okay, that was misleading and unfair: Seattle actually ran the ball 32 times Sunday (but they so totally ran sausage patty).

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The Arizona Cardinals continue to excel at finding and creating new ways to lose football games.  Here’s Ken Whisenhunt’s new recipe to lose in Washinton: start with 3 turnovers (be sure to be liberal with turnover usage… allow for an interception return for a TD), mix in 9 penalties, sprinkle in a missed extra point and failed 2 point conversion (for a really spicy flare, use your wide receiver to throw the ball on a roll out to one side of the field while your backup quarterback lines up as a receiver and your starting quarterback sits on the sidelines.  This really adds a heartburn-inducing kick!) and finally, throw on a hot missed field goal at the end of regulation. 

Put it all together and you’ve got your 4th loss of the season, 3 of which have been 3 points or less.  Afterwards, allow for Redskins assistant coach Joe Bugel to morph into the werewolf he so richly resembles.  He’ll have a ball.

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Sticking with the Redskins, Jason Campbell passed the ball 18 times for 95 yards.  That 5 yard per attempt average might look impressive, but it has company when you consider Trent Dilfer’s 5.5 per.  But Matt Schaub was most impressive Sunday, averaging 2.2 yards per pass attempt on a much smaller sample size of 9 throws.  Had Schaub had it to do over again, he probably should have just thrown the ball up in the air, caught it, and then fallen forward.  It would have accomplished the same thing, and it would have given the Texans’ wide receivers a chance to rest for the important 4th quarter. 

In related news, a sleep deprived, starving Ron Jaworski has been found in a deserted Jacksonville warehouse with the phrase “employ and respect the DOWNFIELD PASSING ATTACK” Sharpied on his forehead.  The man is ill. 

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In what turned out to be the game of the day, the Titans and Texans put up 74 points in a game which Tennessee coughed up a 32-7 4th quarter lead, only to march down the field for Rob Bironas’ record setting 8th field goal and a 38-36 victory.  This after both teams traded 4 fumbles in the 1st quarter, finishing with 8 combined turnovers. 

After thinking about it, I can see why the game was so close in the last quarter, because the Titans and Texans are pretty much the same team.  Both team names start with the letter T, have 6 letters and end with a-n-s.  Also, the Titans used to play in Houston and that's where the Texans play (no, really).  And the quarterbacks of both teams have the same IQ level, it’s just that Matt Schaub’s is equal to the combo of Vince Young/Kerry Collins (trivia: if you merge the names of Vince and Kerry, you get “Verry Younglins").  As for other similarities, there actually aren’t any, but the Titans and Texans are the same (yep) and anyone who disagrees need drive full speed into a brick gully.

The Monday Football Column is written by Pat Imig.  He thinks Vince Young reads bedtime stories to Kerry Collins.  Email him at patrick@joesportsfan.com