JoeSportsFan.com

JoeSportsFan on the Airwaves

Thu, 3 Jul 2008 08:02:08 CST

Earlier this morning on Team 1380 AM in St. Louis, JoeSportsFan's own Patrick Imig was the guest of Jay Randolph, Jr. and his crew at the 360 Sports Buffet for a nerd-segment titled "Let's Go Blogging". We've recorded and downloaded the segment for your listening pleasure, and hope to do more of the same every Tuesday, when "Let's Go Blogging" occurs at 10:20 AM each week.

If you're not in St. Louis, you can listen live by going to 1380's Web site, and if you miss out on the fun, we'll do our best to provide you with the recorded version later in the day.

This morning, Imig discussed Joe Buck's recent comments on national radio about not enjoying baseball the way he once did, Will Leitch's exit from the Deadspin editor-post and subsequent overreaction from some members of the blog community (as covered in the Media Circus), and the familiar subject of the phenomenon known as Softball Guy.

As stated previously, we'll do our best to get the interviews on the site the day they happen. Enjoy.

[Let's Go Blogging :: 03/03/08], (interview runtime 13:00 minutes.)

**having trouble listening? right-click the link and select "save target as" and download the clip to your computer.**

Wait, So Those Were Fake?

Wed, 2 Jul 2008 15:21:33 CST

Lately it seems like every time you log onto the internet, there is another "amazing" sports video that has made its way into the e-mail inbox or is being discussed on a message board. First we had the Kobe Bryant "car jump" video, then Kobe jumped from the equivalent of the three point line (a' la Tom Chambers in Sega's "Lakers vs. Celtics") and laid down a dunk...over a pool filled with snakes. Yeah, it seemed unrealistic, but it was right there in video, how could it be fake?

Next up was the Bo Jackson-esque minor league ballgirl climbing two walls to snag a foul ball, followed by a Washington Redskin kicker booting a field goal that traveled the entire length of the field.

With each of the videos, mainstream sites such as Yahoo inevitably put a story up asking the question, "is this real?" Apparently, it's coming to light that some of these athletic "accomplishments" are just the work of modern technology. For example, it appears that Shaun Suisham didn't really kick a 110-yard field goal in practice. Hard to believe since I watched it happen with my own eyes on Youtube.

Now that the truth is starting to come out about these special effect-aided videos it's making sports fans question the validity of some feats they've witnessed throughout history.

For example, earlier this spring the St. Louis Cardinals ran a commercial that showed Yadier Molina catching warm-up throws from two pitchers simultaneously. Now I'm starting to question whether Molina really has the innate skill to catch two 90+ mph fastballs in one glove or whether that was just some trickery on the part of the Cardinals advertising company.

Our world has been turned upside down. Nothing seems real anymore.

And then it hit me. Does all this mean that the skills of one of the most dynamic athletes of the 80's could have been enhanced in some way? As crushing a blow as it might be to a generation of sports fans, this superstar's demonstrations of athletic prowess across multiple sports could turn out to be bogus.

The discovery of these fake promotional videos has called into question the career of none other than the late Curt Hennig aka the WWF star known as Mr. Perfect. We're left to study the old footage of him dunking a basketball, bowling a 300 game, crushing homeruns alongside Wade Boggs and face the stark reality that maybe Hennig wasn't really perfect at every sport. Maybe it was just a cruel joke. But how could this not be real?

They call these things "viral" videos. Considering they crush young, innocent wrestling fans by making them doubt that a ponytailed wrestler can throw an 70-yard pass and catch it, I think calling them "vile" videos is more appropriate.

Lady Liberty Clearly a Pujols Fan

Wed, 2 Jul 2008 10:23:59 CST

On June 6th, Major League Baseball began a unique promotion in New York City to commemorate the 2008 All-Star game at Yankee Stadium. MLB strategically "placed" 8 foot replicas of the Statue of Liberty throughout the city of New York.

42 different painted statues were hidden - celebrating the 30 teams, the Brooklyn Dodgers and various other New York City baseball related monuments.

Photos of "found" statues have been popping up on the internet since the marketing campaign began at the beginning of June. Since the statues are painted with team colors and logos...tourists from baseball towns across the nation made it a point to search, or ask the locals, for the location of their respective "team" Statue of Liberty.

MLB finally caved in on Tuesday, and released the geographical location of all 42 statues. In case you fancy yourself a Cards fan and can't get to 1290 6th Avenue (between 51st and 52nd Streets) in New York City before All Star weekend, here's a picture of Lady Liberty decked out in Cardinal red.

Fear not, fans of the 29 other teams, for the geographic locator linked above will directy you to your respective liberty statues. Yes, even you Toronto (freaking Canadiens). Naturally, the Yankees have two because of that vaunted, evil East Coast Bias.

By the way, small replica statues are being sold on MLB.com right now. Who saw that coming?

Knowing Major League Baseball, the full sized version will surely be for sale a few days after All Star weekend - or various pieces and body parts will be auctioned off on MLB.com.

The Media Circus

Wed, 2 Jul 2008 05:25:53 CST

Apparently ESPN still isn't convinced that people just don't care about the ESPYs.

On Tuesday night, the network actually dedicated an hour of programming to unveiling the nominees for the 2008 ESPYs. Pay no mind to the fact that you would be hard pressed to find one sports fan outside of Bristol who could name a single award winner from the 2007 version. That doesn't stop them from treating the official announcement of the nominees for the prestigious "Hummer Like Nothing Else" Award and the "Under Armour Undeniable Moment" Award like its a huge development in the sports world.

For 60 minutes, ESPN talking heads including Skip Bayless, Rob Parker, Tony Kornheiser, Mike Wilbon and Jim Rome debated the merits of the nominees in each category, which was roughly 60 more minutes than any self-respecting sports fan would ever spend thinking about the ESPYs.

Aside from the Jim Valvano speech given during 1993 ESPYs, we honestly can't think of anything redeemable from the contrived sports awards ceremony. Especially considering each sport has its own awards - you know, things like the "MVP" and "Champions". Basically the ESPY Awards are the equivalent of the WNBA. Both are still around strictly because their founders aren't willing to concede that they should have pulled the plug years ago.

But hey, Justin Timberlake is hosting this year.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"This principle (Christian faith) is partly what makes (Shaun) Alexander a pillar in his community and a pariah to some NFL general managers... Football is not Alexander's first love. Maybe if playing football was his only goal, some GMs wouldn't have called Alexander, 30, washed up." - Shannon J. Owens, Orlando Sentinel

Or maybe if Alexander wouldn't have averaged 3.5 yards per carry the past two seasons, he wouldn't have been called washed up.
___

"It does reveal a larger problem in sports culture. Athletes are ridiculed if they develop or nurture outside passions equal or, in some cases, above their sport." - Owens

This is example A on how to create an entire story out of one hypothesis. There is no concrete evidence supporting Owens' claim, and she fails to cite the only factual evidence that would support why Alexander hasn't gotten much interest in the free agent market. Keep at it, Shannon. Pretty soon you'll be writing for Page 2.
___

"Sunday marks the official halfway point in the Major League Baseball season, Sunday also considered by many a holy day. Baseball considered holy, right? Annie in Bull Duram. I believe in the church of baseball. 108 beads in a Catholic rosary, 108 stitches in a baseball. Belief in miracles exists in nearly all our religions and our definition of a miracle is a violation of the laws of nature, which brings us to Tampa Bay: half game out of first halfway through the season - one season after dropping the Devil." - Neil Everett

This is the type of writing that turns journalism professors on and at the same time turns sports fans away. Put a cork in it, Neil.
___

"The Orioles without what Sonny called the Holy Ghost power: an 11 game losing streak on Sundays." - Neil Everett

If you're keeping score at home, this marks the 4th straight quote dealing with religion (Media Circus career high). For the record, we Googled "Sonny holy ghost" and this guy appeared, proving Neil might be a little more devout than originally perceived.
___

"Sitting on the dock on the bay, watching Oakland and San Francisco play." - Neil Everett

And turning down the volume on the television, we just may. (Yea us).
___

"(Jason) Larue rolled with the hit and then hit with the roll. St. Boogey wins it 9-6." - Stu Scott

St. Louis is still St. Boogey in Stu's eyes. You have no idea how good this makes us residents feel.

Further Proof Tyson Gay is Good For Sports

This made the Internet rounds on Monday so you may have already seen it, but it was too good for us to ignore, especially given this site's history with Gay headlines (here, here and here). Following Gay's amazing run at the Olympic trials this past weekend, news outlets were eager to cover the story to the point that even a Christian-based site, One News Now, got in on the act.

Somebody at the "One" failed to realize the ramifications of posting Tyson Gay headlines and story links, since the site installed a "gay" filter back in the day. Yes, every use of the word "gay" at One News Now is automatically transferred to "homosexual". When that happens, you get headlines like this:

We really find it hard to fathom how any headline writer can top this in the future. (screengrab via Fanhouse)

(More fun with One News Now's filter courtesy of TiricoSauve.com)

Girls in the Truck Awe-struck by Berman's Hooter-Cans

Comb your hair, dirtbag.

The Will Leitch Man-Crush Unveiled

Speaking of the creepy guy pictured above, we have to assume that if the day ever comes when Chris Berman decides to hang up his microphone for good, ESPN will likely dedicate significant programming to covering the loss of their patriarch. Specials, tributes, SportsCentury flashbacks, Stu Scott poems - the Worldwide Leader would lay it on thick. The natural reaction to that from sports blogs across the land � including this one � would be to incessantly mock the inflated hype of the whole affair. If there�s one thing bloggers are good at, it�s calling out the sports media for fawning over itself.

But what happens when the blogs are guilty of the same thing? We saw that very scenario last week on the unofficial leader of the blogosphere � Deadspin.com � when it dedicated an entire day of posts to �roasting� its founding editor, Will Leitch, who was stepping aside to take a job at New York Magazine. The performance was as ironic as it was nauseating.

We�ve met Will Leitch and he seemed like a genuinely nice guy, he was never shy about giving out links to JSF and above all else, he's a good writer. We�re fairly certain he would have preferred to avoid all the hoopla if he had a choice. All that said, we never thought we�d witness written fellatio the likes of which his cohorts on Deadspin dished out last Friday unless it involved the names King and Favre.

During his final day as editor of the site, guest bloggers gushed about Leitch like he had died a tragic sports-writing death and they were charged with eulogizing him. Drew Magary, aka Big Daddy Drew from Kissing Suzy Kolber helped host the roast on the site and finished off the day�s festivities with this heart-warming love note�

"Leitch, you have not only helped revolutionize the way sports are covered in this day and age, you also helped redefine what it means to be a sports fan. Three years ago, being a sports fan meant you had to be a know-it-all, armchair coaching dipshit. You�ve helped destroy all that self-seriousness. You�ve helped make sports fun again."

To reiterate, we enjoy Leitch�s writing and thought that � while it had begun to slip of late � Deadspin was a great means to waste some time at work. But suggesting that a sports humor blog was responsible for helping to "revolutionize the way sports are covered" and "redefine what it means to be a sports fan� is Milton Bradley-level insane. If Drew Magary saw no fun or humor in sports until Will Leitch came along and magically introduced him to it, then that�s great, but lets not assume that the same rings true for all sports fans. Frankly, we knew sports were ridiculous the minute we saw this.

Although apparently Magary's sentiment was shared with some of the typically vicious Deadspin commenters who were not immune to getting swept up in the ridiculous pseudo-emotional goodbye�

�Cheers to everyone. It takes a village to roast a revolutionary.�

�There's something incredible about the fact that I've been a small part of a huge revolution in the world of sports. Thank you, Will.�

�This may be the 10th post in the past 3 weeks in which we've all said goodbye to Will. That being said, I never want to stop.�

�Is it wrong that I'm sadder at Will leaving than I was when my grandmother died?�

�This has been one of the best days of my life.�

�Dammit, I'm glad I found this site in time to understand how much you've changed the world, Will.�

We�re pretty sure this is how cults start.

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line

After reading some of the quotes in this week's Circus by Sportscenter personality Neil Everett, Bob Carpenter added him to his "hot prospects" watchlist. He had a tendency to talk about bartenders and alcohol from time-to-time which frightened the hell out of the Bobber, but the kid clearly had a knack for coming up with snappy ways to say simple things. Right on cue, Everett started producing...

"Georgia mourning the passing of Bulldog mascot Ugga, he was nine - which is nine in dog years. The Braves trying to remain focused in Toronto where it happened to be Dog Day. AJ Burnett? He happened to be top dog." - Neil Everett

If Carpenter could ever convince Topps to print Snappy Line trading cards, Everett would be labeled "Future Thumbs Up".

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear this stuff is real. E-mail them at info@joesportsfan.com

Across the Wire - Angel Berroa Doesn't Think You're Hot Either...

Tue, 1 Jul 2008 10:00:00 CST

We've had a lot of fun documenting odd "player notes" received from various fantasy baseball wires this year.

Manny's yoga with Uncle Rico. Eric Byrnes and his big red bat. David DeJesus and his love sores.

It's all very intriguing. However, we saw something yesterday that is just plain rude - and by "rude," we mean hilarious at the expense of others. As most fantasy owners know, Yahoo! Sports is kind enough to reveal what players are "hot"...and what players are "not".

This week's "hot" players? Abreu, Pedroia, and Crawford.

This week's "not" players? Berroa, Betancourt, and Byrnes (obviously not enjoying his non-red bat).

As you can see below, Yahoo! lists the players' stats over the past 7 days...as well as their global "percentage of ownership" across fantasy baseball leagues.

We couldn't help but notice that Angel Berroa is currently owned by 0% of fantasy teams, yet somehow ended up on the "Not Hot" list. Isn't this a bit unnecessary, and yet, strangely insensitive to poor Mr. Berroa?

You know who else is owned by 0% of fantasy baseball managers? Me.

You know who else is owned by 0% of fantasy baseball managers? Sasquatch.

Rumor has it that Alex Rodriguez has his people monitoring Yahoo's list around the clock...and whenever the golden boy ends up on the "not hot" list, they promptly fax the following picture to the Yahoo! Sports brass.

Fan of the Week :: Overdressed Baseball Fan

Tue, 1 Jul 2008 00:50:59 CST

At our Annual JSF Fan Hunters Conference last week, senior members came equipped with some beefy criticism and suggestions.

"Too many tattoos."

"Too many shirtless rednecks. Mix it up a little."

"St. Louis should be burned to the ground. You people suck at life."

All suggestions were taken to heart, so we're going to expand our horizons this week. While we usually look for people sporting *less* clothes...we found one unique individual in St. Louis sporting, well, *more* clothes.

Was he the limo driver for the night? Did he just get done conducting an orchestra?

Frankly, we were baffled.

However, when we saw him successfully transform a pigeon into a portly stack of nachos - we realized we were in the presence of a true magician. We stayed our distance. We didn't want to piss him off and have him turn Pujols back into a human (cyber St. Louis high-fives all around).

At Least He Targeted the Right Market

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 10:00:28 CST

Late last week, a bald guy wearing camouflage claiming to be Stone Cold Steve Austin set up shop at an Indiana Wal Mart to sell autographs and pose for photos with fans. One small problem: the man wasn't really Steve Austin.

The fake Austin was in a Wal-Mart in Greensburg recently where he was selling autographs for $10, according to the AP story. The store management became suspicious and called police.

"He claims Wal-Mart knew he was a look-alike. However, they had no material stating he was a look-alike nor did they say he was a look alike," the Associated Press quoted Greensburg Police Chief Brian Heaton saying. "People thought they were getting the real deal."

Our Stone Cold John Doe also seemingly has a solid understanding of promotion and marketing.

Fliers in the area advertised that "Stone Cold" Steve Austin would be making a visit to Madison. However, the "Stone Cold" who appeared here recently is an impostor, according to The Associated Press, which reported that the man is being sought by police on identity theft and fraud charges.

Perhaps even more dumb than the fans who shelled out $10 per signature is a local wrestling promoter who booked the fake Austin to show up for a July 5th show, even though he was skeptical this Stone Cold was the real deal.

Sands said he had requested proof previously to make sure the man was the real Austin. "He sent me pictures of him wrestling some well-known WWE wrestlers," he said, "It looked exactly like him. The only thing I noticed was that his voice didn't sound similar."

Yes; the next time you want to prove to someone you really are a retired pro wrestler, simply send him or her pictures of the real guy wrestling against his opponents because, you know, that clearly provides proof you're the real deal (I'm going to start sending pictures of Randy Savage to indpendent promoters like this guy to make some extra cash).

Our impostor friend is still at large, but my money says the Repo Man has something to do with it.

Introducing the JSF Store...

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 03:29:33 CST

When we decided it was time to debut some JoeSportsFan.com merchandise, we explored a number of alternatives. We spent thousands of company dollars to perform focus groups in an attempt to determine the marketability of items such as JSF wrestling masks, Pete Ladd jerseys and the �at-home Joe Mustache kit� complete with afro and facial hair.

But in the end, we settled on something a little more traditional � the classic t-shirt.

Today marks the debut of the newest addition to the JoeSportsFan.com empire, the JSF Store (clever name, eh?). The two items featured are:

Joe Mustache Shirt � For those looking to show their support for JSF...or those simply interested pimping a dude with a solid afro on their chest, we offer up the official Joe Mustache shirt. Simple and stylish. All of the cool kids are wearing them.

Softball Guy � In 2005, the story of Softball Guy was unleashed and the sports world began to truly appreciate one of its most treasured assets. Simply put, people who take softball too seriously can and should be enjoyed by all. Whether you play softball and need a shirt to match your skintight shorts or you simply want to celebrate a true sports icon, you can do so with the official Softball Guy shirt.

Either way, when you put it on, know the power that comes with it - looking twice as good cruising home in the '92 Corvette after going 7-8 with 4 jacks and 15 RBI's on Tuesday Night Mens' League.

If these two items aren�t what you would consider must-have additions to your wardrobe, then stay tuned. Our plan is to debut a new shirt every month or so, or whenever motivation strikes.

Across the Wire - Josh Willingham Player Notes...

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 09:02:45 CST

There are things to *banter* about here, we just don't know where to start. Frankly we had something about a *week back*, but somehow it *tittered* from my mind.

This is no *laughing* matter.

All *kidding* aside, we think it would be especially *humorous* if Willingham returns to action at Minute Maid Park in Houston.

That place is a *joke*.

Top 7 :: No-Name MLB All Stars Since 1990

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 21:00:53 CST

All-Star balloting for this year�s game at Yankee Stadium (surely to feature one of those �this ticket went for $50,000 stories) ends next week, as fans set the starting lineups before players drop out with injuries and they must be re-set. There has been some talk this year about how much home-field means since so many teams have extraordinary records at home, but you know what that means�when it comes time for the World Series, the exact opposite will happen. Since the �home-field� policy was instituted, there has only been one Game 6 played, and the road team was the winner.

Enough bickering about that�time for something else to complain about. Each year, there is a microcosm of events that leads to pretty bad players being selected for their league�s team, a combination of injuries to other players, the �all teams must be represented� little league rule, and an occasional mind-boggling manager decision. Since 1990, here are the worst players that have played in the game.

7. Jose Rosado, 1997, 1999
This Royal starter finished 4th in the rookie of the year balloting the year before and parlayed that into an appearance in the midsummer �classic� the following year. This list could be changed into �Top 7 Sole Appearing All-Star Royals� pretty easily. Had to get a Royals shot in here somewhere since they swept the Cardinals and are playing again this weekend. Rosado returned to the game in '99, a season which he finished 10-14.

6. Jose Lopez, 2006
Lopez is a good example of a guy who came out of nowhere with a good first half, was rewarded with an All-Star Game, tailed off in the second half, and has since stuck around the majors as a guy barely able to keep an everyday job. Now, two years later, you look back and wonder how in the world below-average hitting Mariner second baseman Jose Lopez ever made the All-Star team.

5. Kent Bottenfield, 1999
Bottenfield is one of Cardinal fans� all-time favorites. Pitching for an atrocious Cardinal team, he was somehow able to luck into a combination of good run support and great bullpen help (from an ungodly horrible bullpen at that), turning his record from a standard .500-on-a-crappy-team to an All-Star level well-over-.500-standing-out-on-said-crappy-team. And for Cards� fans, it turned into eight years of Jim Edmonds and the greatest run in franchise history. As an added bonus, Bottenfield is an award winning Christian rock star and strongly resembles every player in the original RBI Baseball.

4. Ron Coomer, 1999
Granted, it was hard not to root for Coomer, he had the likable persona of Ham from The Sandlot or the guy in your neighborhood who would always crush the ball in your backyard. But neither of those guys ever made a major league All-Star team, at least not that I could research.

3. Ken Harvey, 2004
Here�s a good one, a guy who hit .270 for a couple of years with a few homers, ended up backing into an All-Star appearance since he was on the Royals, had twelve at-bats the following year, and has not sniffed the majors since.

2. Lance Carter, 2003
He is probably the most notorious example from this decade. The Rays, when they still had their Devil adjective in front of their name, needed an All-Star, and they went with lefty specialist reliever and eventual closer Carter, who ended the �03 season with a 4.39 ERA. His other accomplishment is much more impressive, the elite �baseball players named Lance� club, joining Berkman, Cormier, Johnson, Broadway, Blankenship, Niekro, Parrish, and Painter.

1. Scott Cooper, 1993, 1994
He may be the perfect example of the differences between �decent everyday player� and �All-Star.� In his 1993 All-Star season, he hit .279 with 9 homers and 63 RsBI and a .353 OB%. The next year, .279 with 13 homers, 53 RsBI and a .355 OB%. Average numbers, but no All-Star. Cooper�s name is mentioned a lot when various points are made about the one-per-team rule and others, so it�s only natural that he gains the top spot on the list�especially since he made it twice. Unlike Rosado, Cooper didn't pitch 200 innings in each of his seasons.

The Top 7 is written by Jason Major. He forgot to mention that Cooper was more popular than he deserved because he was the replacement to Wade Boggs. Email him at jason@joesportsfan.com

John Daly + Kid Rock = Drunk

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 04:30:56 CST

In anticipation of this weekend's Buick Open, the players and various celebrities competed in the Buick Open Pro-Am Wednesday. Representing a decision made while PGA officials were clearly intoxicated, Kid Rock was paired with John Daly. The results, while amazing, were predictable:

Rock stepped onto the No. 1 tee box for the group's 1:20 tee time wearing overalls, a white T-shirt and tennis shoes... On the seventh tee, Daly thrilled the crowd by teeing up his ball on a full, 24-ounce can of Budweiser beer. As the crowd chanted, "Da-ly, Da-ly," he proceeded to pound the ball about 300 yards down the fairway. The beer can didn't fare as well.

Thankfully, the following excerpt described Kid Rock, and not John Daly:

After playing nine holes, he took off his T-shirt and played the final nine holes in overalls and underwear. Tournament officials offered him Buick Open T-shirts, but he just put them in his bag and continued playing, toting a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other... he slapped high-fives with the gallery en route to the green and made the birdie putt -- with a little assistance from a Budweiser can that he placed behind the hole as a backboard.

I honestly never thought I'd see the day when the Happy Gilmore phenomenon transferred over to real life. For the record, the two were joined by General Motors vice president Mark LaNeve, who happened to play with Tiger Woods at the 2006 Buick Open Pro-Am. Safe to say this was a different experience.

"Kid (Rock) adds a different dimension. Tiger Woods and Jerome Bettis were here the last time I played and it was nothing like this."

Jerome Bettis? My God, HE'S FROM DETROIT! DETROIT IS HIS HOMETOWN!... WHERE THE BUICK OPEN IS PLAYED! That poses an interesting question, though. Would you rather see Daly or Bettis shirtless wearing overalls? I'm going to go with Bettis, since we've seen Daly and his salty, flabby funbags previously.

[Detroit News, Game On]

---

Edit: Fanhouse unearthed the video of Daly's tee off a Budweiser 2x4. Good lord, he looks more prego than ever.

The Legacy of the Closer

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 00:01:40 CST

[From the JSF Vault...]

It�s often said throughout baseball circles that it takes a certain type of personality to be a closer. �Normal� players might not be able to handle the pressure associated with being entrusted to lock down the most difficult three outs of the game, so those players with the rare combo of great stuff, a short term memory and a �unique� personality typically get the nod.

In the setting of a traditional baseball game, those personalities don�t get many opportunities to shine, so closers are forced to get creative. These days, they�ll buzz their hair into a Mohawk or choose some 80�s glam rock song to blare over the sound system when they come out of the bullpen.

In the formative years of the specialty relief pitcher, they expressed themselves via a different avenue � their facial hair.

Never was this more apparent than from 1977 through 1988 when Major League closers did for the mustache what hockey did for the mullet. During 11 of those 12 years, the league leader in saves sported either a mustache or an ax-murdered quality beard (Dave Righetti was the lone clean shaven save leader) and of the 24 Rolaids Relief Awards that were given out, 22 of them to were taken home by men with above average lip dusters.

And we�re not talking about your standard �I forgot to shave today� mustache. In a little over a decade, the best relievers the Major Leagues had to offer produced some of the most notable facial art in sports history.

It was simple, if you were to become a dominant closer, first you had to have a dominant upper lip.

Classic Closer Mustaches

Rollie Fingers

Thanks to some creative use of mustache wax, Rollie Fingers crafted what is arguably the most memorable facial hair in recent baseball history. Hitters that were supposed to be focused on the pitch instead were busy trying to figure out why a Civil War reenactor was standing on the rubber. 341 saves later, Rollie and his curly cues are sitting in the Hall of Fame.

Goose Gossage

If Rollie Fingers� stache was like an opera - carefully crafted with an artistic elegance � then Goose Gossage�s was like a thrash metal song � wild, aggressive and basically meant to scare the shit out you. Goose�s yellow handlebars made it look like he�d just slammed a barrel full of Busch beer and forgot to wipe the froth off his mouth.

Dan Quisenberry

When it comes to baseball, Quiz will always be remembered for two things � 1.) the sidewinder delivery that baffled batters throughout his career and 2.) his absolutely massive pile of whiskers. If God appreciates mustaches as much as I�d like to think he does, then Quisenberry is doing just fine in heaven.

Al Hrabosky

No one got more mileage out of their crazy mustache antics than Hungo. Talking to himself on the mound, the pounding of the glove and the animal-like facial hair all worked in tandem to take a mediocre pitcher (97 career saves) and turn him into a household name. In St. Louis he rode his popularity to a long time gig as the primary color man on Cardinals telecasts. I�m not shy about saying that I think his work on the broadcasts would be greatly enhanced if he still had his fu manchu.

Dennis Eckersley

From the time he rose to prominence as a closer in Oakland, to his final days a decade later in the bullpen of the St. Louis Cardinals, Eckersley stood strong. Sure, by the time 1996 rolled around most of the league had abandoned the old fashioned mustache for grunge-inspired goatees and other new fangled looks, but he wasn�t about to forgot what got him to where he was. So dedicated to the symbol of the closer was Eck that he adorned his lip blanket for eternity in his Hall of Fame plaque.

John Franco

Italian guy born in Brooklyn closing out games for the Mets? It wasn�t even a question of if John Franco was going to have a mustache, rather how much pasta sauce it would be able to absorb in one sitting.

Todd Worrell

Everything in the late 80�s was a little skinnier. Look at the neckties people wore for God�s sake. So it wasn�t a shock when Todd Worrell debuted with the Cardinals as a rookie late in the 1985 season featuring a slimmed down version of the classic Goose Gossage handlebar look. With his slot amongst the facial hair elite firmly established the previous postseason, Worrell became a dominant closer saving 36 games in route to the 1986 Rookie of the Year award.

Ax Murderer Beards

Jeff Reardon

Three years ago Reardon walked into a jewelry store in a mall, handed the clerk a note claiming he had a gun and proceeded to rob it. Take a look at that beard and tell me you�re surprised. Safe to say, intimidation was part of the reason Reardon dominated the league for ten years.

Bruce Sutter

Imagine the thoughts going through the heads of batters when they had to face Sutter with the game on the line. It�s a crucial situation and in jogs this guy who looked like he�s fresh off of a nap in a downtown St. Louis dumpster. Then he�d uncork a fastball that fell through a trap door as it was approaching the plate. A split finger fastball and an uncontrollable beard? Good luck hitting that.

While there are still a few throwbacks left in modern baseball (we�re looking at you Todd Jones), for the most part, the connection between the dominant closer and facial hair has faded with time. Whether they wore the meticulously manicured curly cue or the unkempt serial killer beard, for a historic stretch from the late 70�s through the 1980�s, the key to securing the final three outs of the game became crystal clear � throw away your razor.

JSF Weekly is writtern by Josh Bacott. If he were Jason Isringhausen, he'd start growing one right now. E-mail him at josh@joesportsfan.com

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 09:54:10 CST

Not even a full week went by before Michael Strahan morphed into Tiki Barber and became a mainstream media member who commented on a former teammate. Last year, Barber ripped Eli Manning in the first two weeks of the season (convenient since the Giants were 0-2 and gave up 70+ points). This season, it's Strahan ripping Shockey.

Okay, ripping is not an accurate description. At all. Strahan was answering a question and did so in an honest manner:

"He doesn't want to play here; that's obvious with everything that's going on. I don't think you gain much by keeping a guy around. Regardless of how well he plays for you, there's always that tension, and that's one thing you can't have if you're expected to go back and repeat.You don't need that out of one of your leaders. So I think the best thing for them and for Shockey is if they have the opportunity, let him go."

Wow. I already like Michael Strahan more than Tiki Barber. Of course, I liked Strahan more than Barber when Strahan screamed into a microphone while eating a sub sandwich and bits of lettuce and salami flew towards my living room. If Barber had answered that same question, he would have littered it with jabs about how Shockey is a typical football player and how he was noble enough to leave before he was "unhappy" with the Giants. He also would have smiled. Hard. And then mentioned in a book that Shockey was a whiner (which may be true).

Strahan mentioned Barber before the press conference ended, when asked if he'd have "trouble" getting interviews with Tom Coughlin, seeing as Coughlin didn't want to speak with Barber for an NBC interview last season:

"Look at the manner he left. I don't know if he had ill will toward anyone, but I know I don't. I'm leaving with a clear mind, and a Super Bowl ring. Obviously, that helps."

Translation: "Tiki Barber is an ass - and we won a championship after he left. It feels really, really good." For the record, Newsday says he'll be seated between Jimmy Johnson and Howie Long. The Foxbot must be pissed he got overlooked again.

JUST BECAUSE IT STILL MAKES ME LAUGH

She Totally Throws People Out Like a Girl

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:00:55 CST

Brady Bogart is the manager of the Amarillo Dillas. If you're wondering who or what the Amarillo Dillas is (are?), it's a baseball team from the United League. Judging from their homepage, they're none too big on updating their site. But that's not important.

What is important is Bogart's Lou Piniella-esque tantrum, and the ejection he earns from the female umpire, who from our vantage point, resembles Annika Sorenstam (good to see she found work in her retirement). Although the ejection takes place within the first 20 seconds of the video, I promise you'll want to view the entire 99 second clip.

That ejection looked an awful lot like Piston Honda's right hand hook. Not so much on the starting point, but with the last second extension in the follow-through.

[Bugs and Cranks]

The Media Circus

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:09:50 CST

Here at JSF, we look upon the absurdity of professional sports like a proud father. We certainly wouldn't dream of taking credit for creating any of it, but just to know that the games that we've been following and and at the same time mocking for so long have continued to grow and advance in their absurdity just makes us think that one day professional sports could be just as ridiculous as politics or Hollywood.

One of the signs of this happening is the increasing frequency of Hollywood gossip sites breaking "sports" stories. Those outlets that usually reserve space for crap like Tom Cruise meltdowns or Britney Spears' exposed crotch have begun to take notice of the increasingly idiotic habits of professional athletes.

The latest of course is TMZ.com being the first to introduce to the world the freestyle rapping of one Shaquille O'Neal. For those who haven't seen it, Shaq took hold of the mic in a club and verbally assaulted his old Lakers teammate Kobe Bryant.

Assuming you've watched the video at this point, let's quickly take a look at the five things we learned from the Shaq freestyle.

1.) Freestyle rapping is absolutely horrible 99.9% of the time.

We already knew this, Shaq just confirmed it.

2.) The sports media is really hurting for stuff to talk about

Sportscenter led their evening broadcast on Monday with the "breaking news". Now there issomething inherently humorous about listening to Mike Greenberg try to discuss the topic as a serious issue, but the minimal significance should be painfully obvious when they bring on Stephen A. Smith - a master of turning up the volume on any story - to discuss and he calmly downplays it as a non-issue. When Stephen A. can't even muster any false outrage, then we probably have a story that didn't warrant top billing.

3.) Kobe Bryant needs to respond

Not because it was some shock that Shaq dislikes him, rather strictly for the public's entertainment. We suggest not responding via rap, but instead going with something a little more creative. Make it a folk rock song or maybe a zydeco jam or something unique. Rap battles are old news. Zydeco battles are what's hot.

4.) YouTube style video has changed everything

Seriously, if we were a professional athlete, we'd be afraid to take a dump in a restaurant for fear that it might wind up on YouTube the next day.

5.) Any rap song with the hook "tell me how my ass tastes" is destined to be a hit.

There will probably be a "tell me how my ass tastes" dance hitting the underground soon. We can't wait.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

�You can't have tight pants and be a catcher.�- Tim McCarver

McCarver knows this because a) he was a catcher and b) he had a three error game after viewing Farah Fawcett topless in the clubhouse Playboy.

___

"It will be Randy Johnson against Tim Wakefield, two guys who have been equally nasty in their careers."- Karl Ravech

No one will discount Wakefield's effectiveness over the last 16 seasons, but he hasn't exactly been on par with Randy Johnson.

___

''That's really just the media blowing something up. The only way for me to describe it is my arm is a little bit lower. But in reality, it's not that much lower. That's just the St. Louis media trying to make something out of nothing.'' � Mark Mulder on his new delivery

God forbid the media in St. Louis look for any sliver of hope that the guy they traded Dan Haren for might possibly have found a way not to suck when taking the mound. For once we side with the media.

Jay Mariotti Discusses Why Jay Mariotti Sucks

At this point, Jay Mariotti has become largely irrelevant. If we wanted to, we could document Mariotti's daily performances on Around the Horn and fill the above crap section with nothing but his quotes. He's perfected the �act� of stereotypical loudmouth journalist and our sports-fan �hatred� of Mariotti is just what he wants. At least he garners a reaction � at least, that's what �they� think.

Two weeks ago, Mariotti's Sun-Times colleague Rick Telander was irked when his column, which included shots at Mariotti, failed to reach publication per the decision of his editors. A few days later, Telander's column was again vetoed. All this while Mariotti has no problems lashing out at his fellow journalists in Chicago � and maintains a Teflon shield against Sun-Times criticism.

Appearing on a Chicago radio show, Mariotti discussed his local counterparts:

"When I'm being critical of our writers, it's to try to unify."

Yes, because all the Sun-Times writers work together as a team and you're the team leader, right Jay?

"Are the local media now brainwashed that every time Ozzie goes off it's 'Ozzie being Ozzie,' or are we dealing with one of the great crackpots in the history of professional sports? I happen to choose the latter."

We'll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one in saying that Guillen does get the �Ozzie being Ozzie� treatment, but you've got to love Mariotti's extremism � greatest crackpot in the history of professional sports? Might be a tad over the line.

"If you're not interested in the dark side of sports, then get out of the business."

If we wore the same lenses as Mariotti, a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup wouldn't be a delicious, cold dessert, it would be one of the most devastating caloric intakes in dairy product history.

"We're all supposed to cover the entire spectrum. Don't sit here and stereotype me. That's just a smear campaign from a guy (Telander) who � if he calls me angry, I call him bitter and old. This is a fellow who needs to examine the newspaper business, where it is right now, where the Sun-Times is in this market and maybe get his act into gear and help us win this battle."

See? He's just fighting the good fight. That's why Mariotti comes off the way he does. But seriously, if we're to believe in Jay's valiant efforts, then we suppose selling out and acting like a heathen on Around the Horn is somehow helping to breathe life into the newspaper business.

And Jay, for a guy who calls Rick Telander old and bitter, you sure seem out of touch with the �newspaper battle�. New media is never going away, but that doesn't mean it need be exclusive. It's the people in the newspaper industry who get that who ultimately succeed.

Media Rant � Pool Guys of America Still Awaiting Apology

There's something about the golf analyst that just breeds controversy. If it's not Kelly Tilghman unleashing her racist remarks on Tiger Woods, it's Johnny Miller displaying his anti-Italian hatred - the dude probably hates pizza for all we know.

During the U.S. Open 10 days ago, Miller described Rocco Mediate as looking like �the guy who cleans Tiger's swimming pool� and added that �Guys with the name Rocco don't usually find their names on the trophy."

Naturally, an Italian-American group took offense and demanded an apology from Miller and a suspension from NBC. While the network failed to enact a suspension, Miller did apologize to those Italians whom he offended.

In his attempt at reconciliation, however, he failed to apologize to all men and women named Rocco, and all employees of pool-cleaning companies. We're pretty sure Rocco Baldelli is upset, as well he should be. And the good people who work hard every day to earn a living cleaning and maintaining pools deserve better. Miller should be ashamed of himself - and NBC ought to suspend him until he extends another apology.

Strahan Joins Fox NFL Sunday, Fake Hilarity Ensues

Late Monday it was announced that the football Giants' biggest media whore since Tiki Barber, Michael Strahan, joined up with his buddies Curt, Terry, Howie and Jimmy as the newest analyst on FOX NFL Sunday. With Tiki on NBC and Strahan on Fox, we're hoping it means Jeremy Shockey will get a role with CBS or ESPN some time down the road (not really).

With the addition of a fifth on-air presence, we have a few minor worries. From a logistical standpoint, we hope the Fox crew will build a bigger desk on-set, otherwise the show could resemble a CBS pregame show with five large bodies crammed into a four-seater - no one wants to see the added heat force Terry Bradshaw to sweat like Bill Cowher (seriously, we said it a long time ago, but we may be just one "offseason" away from a network going to the bleachers style seating on the set). And from a fan enjoyment standpoint, we hope each on-air talent will tone down their decibel level given that Strahan will add another loud, rambunctious voice. If not, we shudder to think of what we might hear - as in, "nothing we hear will be audible because of all the yelling and laughing."

Safe to say, the studio show predicated on obnoxious and unnecessary laughter just got a whole lot "funnier".

Oh, and even if Terry Bradshaw doesn't tone down his act, at least he's going the extra mile to welcome Strahan to the television neighborhood.

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line

It's almost to the point where Bob is ready to say screw the Washington Nationals, he's moving to Europe and calling soccer games for a living. If what he's seen out of the Euro 2008 announcers on ESPN is customary of the way people in Europe want to hear their games called, then he'd be a star within months. They simply love snappy lines. Here are two more that Bob observed over the weekend:

"Those wearing orange were peeled like oranges" � Derek Rae on Netherlands versus Russia.

"It was Turkey yesterday, is Goose going to be cooked today?" � Tommy Smyth, on Russia coach Guus Hiddink

Did you see that last line? That's two snappers in one sentence! That's an exchange rate that he can get on board with.

Let's just say that when the games resume today, the Bobber will be sitting in front of his TV, face painted with the Turkish flag just waiting for the next round of snap to light up a smile on his face.

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear this stuff is real. E-mail them at info@joesportsfan.com.