5 Questions with Softball Guy on the All Star Softball Legends and Celebrities Game
With the Legends & Celebrities All Star Softball Game taking place last night and broadcast this evening, we got a chance to catch up to the only man we know who deserves the title of “legend” when it comes to the sport of adult men’s softball, Softball Guy…
JSF: Are you someone who will watch the All Star Legends and Celebrity Softball Game or do you consider it somewhat of an insult to your sport?
Softball Guy: Doubtful that I’ll be able to watch since I normally play double-headers every night of the week and then drink brew donkeys for an hour or two afterwards, but I may have them send me some game film of it. Not sure if you know this, but Major League Baseball asked me to come in to consult the players a few weeks ago, considering that I am both a celebrity and a legend they thought I’d be able to relate to all the players.
Turns out, neither side really takes this sort of stuff serious which is why I walked off after two hours of training. So yeah, it insults me a little. But it’s also fun to watch these meatsticks realize how difficult it is to crush a giant yellow ball that is lobbed underhand at you.
JSF: So it sounds like you got a chance to interact with some baseball stars such as the legendary Bo Jackson. Is he the type of all-around athlete that you can see dominating the game of softball if he started playing it full time?
SG: I didn’t get to meet him. Apparently he thinks he’s too good to get tips from a real pro. And let’s hold off before we anoint him as a superstar. Yeah, he was fast and muscular, but those two things don’t necessarily mean you’ll be dropping bombs in my game. It’s all about how to maximize body torque on your swing in softball, which is why I’m thoroughly unstoppable and why I’ve been given the nickname, The Torque-Ness Monster in several of my leagues.
Asking me if he would be a superstar in my sport is like asking me if I’d be a superstar in hockey or football or whatever the hell he played. Although in football I probably would be a freakishly good quarterback considering the hose I have attached to the right side of my body. I’ve gunned down turds from the wall in dead center, so I wouldn’t break a sweat throwing a football 70-80 yards.
JSF: Looking at the roster of former baseball players, who is it that you respect the most?
SG: Rollie Fingers. For obvious reasons. If he shows up at my league sporting that upper lip, he’d have my approval. If he showed up with that upper lip and a cooler full of Busch heavys then he’s probably scoring himself a roster spot.
JSF: Looking at the celebrities side of the roster, who do you think has the potential to surprise some people?
SG: Based on the roster I saw, David Nail caught my eye. But that was just based on his name. That’s a good name to stitch onto the back of a sleeveless jersey because it describes what I do to both softballs and groupies. When I saw that he was a country singer who might weigh a buck twenty holding his equipment bag, I realized this guy couldn’t hit a nuke if the fence was wrapped around the infield and he was swinging a titanium stick.
This Eric Stonestreet guy has the physique that makes me think he’s got some promise, but I’ve never seen his stroke so who knows. Bottom line is that you put average schmoes in a pressure cooker like that and most of them are going to get ate up.
JSF: And playing in front of large crowd in a Major League Stadium wouldn’t intimidate you at all?
SG: You might want to watch your tone on a question like that. I’ve played in front of 20,000 people before. At least it looked that way, I didn’t have time to count since I was in the middle of demoralizing pitchers by spraying their junkballs all over the field. But I’m pretty sure there was 20k watching that display.
Now, if you’ll please remove yourself from the cage and hand me the roll of quarters you said you’d pay me to do this interview, I’ve got work to do.