Memo to Rams from Wes Welker: Win games and you can openly mock your fans
As any respectable St. Louis Rams fan knows, Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and the rest of New England Patriots are pure evil. Belichick is a cheater. Brady was obviously conceived in a petri dish in some weird Gattaca-like experiment. Adam Vinatieri had a robotic leg engineered at MIT. We get it.
Now on the verge of a fourth Super Bowl title, New England can match Pittsburgh, San Francisco, Dallas and Green Bay as the only franchises to have won four or more.
And it seems like the possibility of joining the game’s elite is going to the New England players’ heads – even a scrappy, likeable, blue-collar player like wide receiver Wes Welker.
Want proof? Check out this video, which shows the normally humble Welker so full of himself that he starts openly mocking his own fans’ unwavering support:
It seems Welker has embarked upon some sort of mad power trip, becoming almost maniacally arrogant, like Jobe Smith from The Lawnmower Man. The video stops there, leaving one to wonder what Welker might have said next. Given the path he was headed down, it might have been something along these lines:
“If you’re living vicariously through my wondrous accomplishments, I want you to yell!”
“If you agree with me that, aside from watching Patriots football, your life is a sad, pathetic, and meaningless existence, I want to hear you say, ‘YEAH!’”
“If you could see how puny and insignificant you all look from high atop this stage, you’d know what I’m talking about! Who’s with me!?”
“I want everyone that hears the sound of my voice to bring their finest silks, meats, and cheeses to my doorstep! Boo-yeah!
“Just leave them there and go. I sure as hell don’t want to talk to any of you! It makes me sick just looking at you!”
“I want you all to go out and commit an act of random violence in my name! Helter Welker is coming down fast!”
“Your naive idiocy makes me VERY ANGRY!”
“Your god is dead. Let’s hear it for your new god…me…Wes Welker! YEAH! Call upon my name with fear and reverence!”
“My birth cry will be the sound of every phone on this planet ringing in unison!”
Of course, the St. Louis Rams have their own version of Welker in Danny Amendola. Both are hustling, scrappy overachievers that are more effective in the slot. At under six feet tall, both are diminutive by NFL standards. Both played at Texas Tech. But it takes a lot of wins to be able to mock devoted fans and still get them to cheer for you, wins the Rams simply don’t have. So what could Amendola say to fire up a crowd of Rams fans should he find himself in a similar situation? Here are some suggestions:
“Hey, if everybody yells really loud, maybe they won’t have to pipe in that annoying music!”
“Everyone here is a true Rams fan because they show up to every home game, even ones 4,000 miles away in London!”
“I’ve got the lead architect of the Edward Jones Dome hogtied in my car! Let’s all go out back and kick his ass!”
“Hey everybody, give it up for your world champion St. Louis Cardinals! Okay, so they’re not actually here today, but if they were I bet you’d be cheering!”
“Those rally towels we handed out are REALLY nice! They’re made in Vietnam!”
“If I catch a touchdown pass today, I’m buying everyone in ‘Danny’s Den’ – otherwise known as section 454 – free nachos. Granted, that’ll only be like eight people but…FREE NACHOS!”
“Also, if I catch a touchdown pass today; it will be the fifth of my career! Halfway to double digits…Isn’t that exciting!? You can tell your grandkids you were there!”
“Don’t worry. Even if we go back to L.A., you’ve still got a pretty good shot at landing the Jaguars. What the hell is a team doing there anyway? I mean you’ve already got the Dolphins and Buccaneers, the Gators, the Seminoles, high school football, the beach, golf, whoever Tim Tebow is playing for, Disney World, Epcot…GO JAGUARS!”
“And you guys thought the football Cardinals were bad! We put them to shame! Who’d have thought those would be referred to as ‘The Good Old Days’? Let’s hear it for the football Cardinals!”
“Forget about how bad we are…who wants to watch me hustle and try really hard?”