Red Sox Asked To Cease And Desist

On the heels of the team’s crushing defeat in Game 2 of the World Series — and in the midst of an 8-city Mustache Mobile Tour to promote a study of facial hair discrimination in the workplace ( — on October 24 the American Mustache Institute sent the following correspondence to Boston Red Sox Executive Vice President, Corporate Strategy & General Counsel, Ed Weiss.

Mr. Weiss,

We at the American Mustache Institute (AMI) applaud you and the Boston Red Sox for your extraordinary success in this 2013 Major League Baseball Season and wish you the best against the St. Louis Cardinals in what all of America hopes will be a competitive World Series matchup.

However, while each member of the Mustached American community appreciates your team’s harnessing of facial hair towards athletic excellence, your marketing of beardism violates the expressed federal trademark of AMI’s ownership of the Sexually Dynamic Mustached American Lifestyle, and in particular, our legal right to approve via “expressed written consent” of any use of said beardism or mustacheularity in marketing the Red Sox’s winning ways or merchandise.

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Therefore, we have filed request for a temporary or permanent injunction, leading to the estoppal or cessation of said beardism-infringing activities in the court of Judge McKay Chauvin, Louisville Circuit Court, Division 8.

We are requesting a bench trial and have already filed a motion for summary judgment. Failing these two options, AMI along with the Walt Disney Reckoning Attribution Network and the Rev. Jerry Falwell, is prepared to fully-litigate this matter. This includes, if necessary, a full jury trial; and to this end we have retained counsel — the esteemed white-shoe firm of Dewey, Ahmadinejad & Houssein — in the aforementioned district.

We look forward to your response and cessation of these unsanctioned activities.

You’re welcome.


Jean Velue Doppelganger III, ESQ.
Chief Legal Affairs & Dance Coordination Coordinator
The American Mustache Institute
(877) STACHE-1


As a supporter of the American Mustache Institute, I pledge to:

  • ‘Stache a photo of myself at in support of a $250 annual tax deduction for people of Mustached American descent.
  • Lobby the administration of President Barack Obama, asking him to grow a mustache before leaving office to demonstrate solidarity with people of Mustached American descent.
  • Applaud any Mustached American as they walk past me on the street.
  • Castigate clean shaven mortals and remind them that their bare-lipped appearance is a sign of weakness and communism.
  • Dislike all things associated with Dave Navarro.
  • Continue my mustache growth in the extremely rare case that it causes significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large.
  • Never own a cat or watch “Sex And The City.”
  • Distrust clean-shaven officers of the law, and if approached by a mustache-free constable, dial 911 and proceed to a nearby police station, where a squadron of heavily mustached officers will greet me with open arms.
  • Consider the environment before shaving my mustache.
  • Never forget that every time a mustache is shaved an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.

AMI Disclaimer: AMI supports healthy, performance enhancing-free mustaches that contain no pesticides. While the vast majority of mustache wearers have highly positive responses from friends, exotic dancers and grade school teachers, mustaches should be worn at your own risk, understanding that AMI is not responsible for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro. Wearing a “Dictator” mustache may lead to repeated beatings, and women are encouraged to avoid wearing mustaches if looking for male companionship or hoping to find employment outside of waste collection. If a mustache causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro. In extremely rare cases, mustaches may cause significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large. Consult a physician before exploring your personal mustache capabilities, as premature mustache growth may lead to feelings of despair and depression.

*This was NOT sent from a Blackberry, as mustached Americans neither own, nor have the ability, to operate Blackberrys.


Is Fisher Omission From Goulet Finalists Pool Fair?

Today the American Mustache Institute released its 2013 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year award, perhaps the most important award in the global award space.

Yet ominously missing was St. Louis Rams Coach Jeff Fisher, the Mustached American icon whom I interviewed last year for ESPN — and man who is possibly the greatest cocksman this side of Tiger Woods — when he was married.

Keep in mind that the Goulet award is not a “best mustache” contest but recognizes the person best contributing to the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle over the past year, with the winner will be announced at ‘Stache Bash 2013 Presented by Wahl Trimmers, on October 26 in Pittsburgh.GouletSidebarBaner_2013_VOTE

But I ask you — who’s done more for the mustache not just in St. Louis, but nationwide, over the past year?

No one, that’s who.

“The Goulet award finalists are a best-in-class of the past year’s Mustached American people,” AMI Chairman Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove said of the Goulet award, which in recent years the award has been called on par with the Nobel Prize for Peace by astrophysicist Stephen Hawking. “Some 900 other worthy candidates were left on the cutting room, but come ‘Stache Bash 2013 in Pittsburgh, we will crown a deserving winner and toast their greatness.”

Yeah? But why not Fisher?

The 2013 finalist pool is an interesting one – you can see the list in full here – as it includes Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana; St. Louis-area woodworker and master craftsman Dave Stine; Boston bombing suspect nabber David Henneberry; Bryan Harper who plays in the Washington Nationals organization; National Hockey League’s Mike Brown of the Edmonton Oilers; and the annual animated finalist — Cartoon Network’s Uncle Grandpa.

When pushed about Fisher’s omission, all Dr. Causgrove would say is, “It’s up to the people and Mr. Fisher, while bold and beautiful, was not nominated.”

Regardless, whether or not leaving off Fisher is fair or not, at least we can take heart knowing that one St. Louis sports star is deeply associated with the Goulet award — new Cards closer John Axford won the award in 2011.

So at least we’ve got that.