Illinois-Purdue Suckfest Sparks Latest JFK Assassination Conspiracy

Today marks the 50th anniversary of president John F. Kennedy’s assassination.

In seemingly unrelated news, a half dollar coin buys you any number of tickets on Stub Hub to tomorrow’s Illinois-Purdue football game in West Lafayette, IN.

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The half dollar coin, as you know, bears the likeness of JFK.

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The half dollar coin, as you may not know, is also worth 50 cents.

50th anniversary of the shooting, 50 cent coin, 50 cent tickets…sure, it may all seem coincidental, but it raises many important questions: Was this a coordinated effort by the two schools to honor the former president the only way they know how, with embarrassingly terrible play? Was there a second gunman behind the grassy knoll? Did the CIA invent crack cocaine? Does the government keep our primal instincts in check (and our teeth clean) through water fluoridation?  Is Scientology the one, true faith? What the heck is gluten really, anyway?

Somebody call Oliver Stone. Me thinks I smell a conspiracy. Or better yet, just go to the Tivoli tonight and tell him in person.

Whoah. Mind blown.

Just like an obsessed conspiracy theorist, I’m sure many Illinois and Purdue fans want to believe there’s some deep, dark, secret reason behind the lousy state of their football programs.

Then again, it could simply be that both teams are awful, Stub Hub doesn’t have an option to give tickets away, and Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.

Case in point: Next week the Illini host Northwestern. A ticket to that epic battle will set you back more than a Kennedy coin, but not by much.

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I like how the ticket to the game is $1.80, but a parking pass is still $15.

By that math, it’s over eight times more desirable to drive to Champaign and just stand in the parking lot for three hours than it is to go into the game and actually watch the Illini.

It sounds crazy, but that might be the only thing we really know for sure.

Babies Breathe Sigh of Relief Following Illini Tournament Exit

The NCAA tournament and ramps back up tonight, but there won’t be any local entrees available on the menu of games. Missouri, SLU and Illinois all made abrupt exits from the big dance last week as https://sports.bwin.com/en/sports had predicted.

Of those three, it has become abundantly clear, that for the sake of babies everywhere across the Land of Lincoln, it was a good thing Illinois lost its hard fought battle with Miami to advance to the Sweet Sixteen.

Want proof of this theory? Well, now that the regular college basketball season is over, the Big Ten Network has commenced its customary assault on viewers with its unlimited arsenal of “B1G Classic” games. Just try and argue that newborns aren’t safer with Illinois out of contention after watching this clip of the famed 1989 Flyin’ Illini team that eventually reached the Final Four:

I don’t know what that baby is doing now, most likely working as a civil engineer. But I’d bet that baby grew up to be one of those people that can sleep anywhere. Man, I envy those people.

Anyway, maybe this video only confirms what most Missouri fans have long suspected: that most die-hard Illini fans were either shaken or dropped as newborns.

It also jogs the memory of a related incident that occurred last spring when a rabid Illini fan used his newborn to – all of things – procure an autograph from Illini offensive lineman Graham Pocic.

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You win back-to-back bowl games in consecutive years for the first time in school history, and all of a sudden people are signing babies. Oh, the humanity.

Yes, it’s a good thing the Hurricanes held on last Sunday. If there’s one thing incidents like this prove it’s that Excited Illini fans = Baby Abuse.