Sources Reveal List of Proposed Cardinals Care Broadcast Auction Items

Tuesday night the Cardinals, Fox Sports Midwest, and KMOX put together a broadcast auction to benefit Cardinals Care, where viewers/listeners could call in and bid on a variety of fan experiences.

Most of the auction items involved spending time with a current or former Cardinal in some fashion, like shadowing Jim Edmonds to get a feel for what it’s like to be an ex-ballplayer trying to get a feel for what it’s like to be a broadcaster, or playing catch on the field with an injured Michael Wacha*.

The full list of experiences was quite impressive. Which gets us wondering, what other ideas were considered? Oh, to be a fly on the wall during those brainstorm sessions with Cardinal brass. Undoubtedly, a host of ideas were floated but not chosen for one reason or another.

Well, wonder no more, because once again, we turned to our extensive network of JSF insider industry sources. They haven’t had much to do lately, so together they flexed their well-rested investigative muscles and uncovered a list of proposed auction items that didn’t make the cut. Here are just a few notables from that list:

THE SCOTT SPIEZIO FRIEND EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience with former Cardinal (and Illini) great Scott Spiezio for the whole family

  • Scott Spiezio arrives at your home sometime between midnight and 5 a.m. on a mutually agreeable date
  • Spiezio, under the influence of alcohol and narcotics, crashes his BMW into a tree in your front yard
  • Spiezio, filled with rage, breaks down your front door and kicks your ass in front of your wife and children
  • Up to six (6) of your children receive fake red soul patches and arm tattoos of his girlfriend, as applied by an intoxicated Spiezio
  • Members of Spiezio’s band “Sandfrog” arrive later and crash in your basement for a period of seven (7) to ten (10) days, giving periodic impromptu concerts

THE CHRIS DUNCAN LEFT FIELD EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for one (1) person

  • Pregame drinking contest with former player/current radio personality Chris Duncan in a private room on the Broadcast level
  • Attendee receives one (1) autographed over-sized novelty foam baseball glove and a pair of women’s pumps
  • Attendee spends one (1) hour shagging fly balls during pregame batting practice while wearing aforementioned novelty glove and women’s pumps
  • Two (2) Field Box Tickets
  • Attendee is escorted out of the stadium following the seventh inning for defensive purposes

NIGHT OUT WITH JOE BUCK AND FERNANDO TATIS EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for two (2) people

  • Overpriced, mediocre dinner at any of the two (2) area Buck’s locations, J. Buck’s in Clayton or Joe Buck’s downtown, with Joe Buck and Fernando Tatis
  • Two (2) Field Box Tickets
  • Private postgame party with Mr. Buck and Mr. Tatis for attendees and up to twelve (12) guests in the Florida Room at Just Johns in The Grove
  • Mutually agreeable date

ESTEBAN YAN BATTING PRACTICE EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for four (4) people

  • Take batting practice against former Cardinals pitching piñata Esteban Yan and experience the thrill of hitting a home run in the big leagues
  • Each participant is limited to ten (10) home runs in total, or approximately fifteen (15) pitches
  • All four (4) attendees receive a personally autographed baseball from Mr. Yan during post-batting practice meet and greet session
  • All four (4) attendees receive heavy-duty towels to wipe off Mr. Yan’s sweat resulting from aforementioned meet and greet
  • Also includes four (4) pairs of galoshes

THE KEVIN SLATEN & JACK CLARK BROADCAST EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for two (2) people

  • Winners are given three (3) hours of prime afternoon drive airtime on the local religious, community, or pirate radio station of their choice, during which they can say pretty much whatever the hell they want about anybody
  • Following the broadcast, each participant receives one (1) authentic defamation demand letter threatening legal action, autographed by Terry Crouppen of the St. Louis-based Brown & Crouppen Law Firm
  • One (1) late-night phone call from InsideSTL president Tim McKernan, informing each participant the show has been cancelled
  • Infinity (∞) chances to be a radio show host at another St. Louis sports station
  • One (1) replica of the amendments to the U.S. Constitution on parchment, suitable for framing

* In the event Mr. Wacha is unable to play catch, he will still be present for the experience, but Randy Choate will play catch in his place, as he really needs the work. Additionally, the attendee will be allowed to make eye contact with Mr. Wacha no more than five times throughout the entire duration of the experience.

Email: grubb@joesportsfan.com
Twitter: @grubbhub