Where Have All the Flowers Gone, Keith Hernandez?

Last fall, Keith Hernandez shaved his mustache for charity, an act that prompted the Joe’s resident doctor, Aaron Perlut, to claim that the Cardinals’ 1979 Co-MVP had become some sort of living zombie, or android.

At the time, Hernandez pledged to stay follicle-free through the duration of the baseball season, saying he would use the long, cold winter to decide whether or not the mustache – famed star of sitcoms, commercials, and children’s shows – would rise again like a spring flower.

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Well, spring is finally here, and as you can see from the above photo, taken from a recent Cardinals-Mets spring training game, Hernandez’s nose garden is empty, so it appears as though he decided to stay with the Chihuahua look (Hernandez is the one on the right, the other hairless guy is SNY play-by-play announcer Kevin Burkhardt – without the mustache it’s kind of difficult to tell, especially if you’re not wearing your bifocals, grandpa).

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But wait, look a bit closer. Could it be that the bloom on this hibiscus is a dud? Could it be like the Seinfeld episode not starring Keith Hernandez, where Elaine’s swimmer boyfriend decides to stop shaving his head, only to discover that he’s going bald?

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Until and unless we see his mustache restored to its once proud and glorious state, we’ll all just have to wonder, why the white-speckled stubble? In the meantime, count on Joe Sports Fan – your source for all things Keith Hernandez (at least of late anyway) – to be on top of this rapidly growing story.

JSF37: The One with Keith Hernandez (and Kevin Kaduk from Yahoo Sports)

Kevin Kaduk jumped aboard Yahoo!’s “Big League Stew” blog in 2008 where he served as a lead columnist and editor.  Recently, he was promoted as the head honcho of all Yahoo! Sports Blogs.  That’s like one step away from editor of the entire Internet.  He’s been a friend of the Joe for sometime, even in spite of his Chicago roots.

It was time to have him on the show.

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Total Running Time: 00:39:44

Atomic number: 37 (rubidium)

JoeSportsFan Original: Defining “Broakleys” (link)

Random yet contextual references: Kent Bottenfield, Jeff Suppan, Willie McGee, Harold Snepsts, Dan Caesar, Fernando Tatis, Todd Wellemeyer, Chris Duncan bald tire jokes and Mike Shannon’s with a British accent

Links and things mentioned this episode:

Apparently, people really like the number 37 (link)
Menu items in our St. Louis Cardinals restaurant (link)
Keith Hernandez broadcasting hilarity (link)
Seinfeld: “Nice game, pretty boy” (link)
The definitive list of athlete appearances on “Seinfeld” (link)
Dan Caesar’s column about how 60% of people don’t listen to sports radio anymore (link)

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Contact
Twitter: @JoeSportsFan
E-mail: theshow@joesportsfan.com

Cody Ellis’ Real-Life Girlfriend Responsible for Hairdo Featuring Blue Racing Stripe

Last week we reported on Illinois head coach John Groce’s successful hairdo, or lack thereof. In keeping with the same theme, we’d like to spotlight St. Louis University senior forward Cody Ellis, who has the 12-4 Billikens on a streak of his own this season – a blue streak to be exact.

Recently, Ellis appeared on a local television broadcast to show off the new ‘do, which he has been sporting since late last summer.

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Ellis claimed his girlfriend was the one that actually performed the dye job – his real girlfriend, not a fake one that he’s only met online and may or may not have had long meaningful phone conversations with. Or at least, that’s what JSF’s team of private investigators is attempting to determine.

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Reportedly, the blue streak has been well received by SLU students and fans alike, not to mention Amazon downloads of the movie Blue Streak – a 1999 action comedy starring Martin Lawrence – have risen by two percent from their previous high of zero.

However, no mentions have been made of the Mohawk/mullet hybrid on stltoday.com’s SLU Talk message board by djj87, the user responsible for 98% of the posts in that forum.

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By the way, phrase “SLU Talk” is but a spacebar press away from “SLUTalk.” Just thought I’d point that out.

While definitely a bold statement, historically speaking Ellis is not alone in his endeavor. The hair-dying ventures of past St. Louis sports stars have met with mixed success.

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Scott Spiezio colored his soul patch a mighty Cardinal red, and rode its holistic powers to a World Series championship in 2006. But then, he also formed the band Sandfrog. Not to mention the incident in which he got blasted, crashed his car, fled on foot to his friend’s condo, vomited in his friend’s condo, and then beat the ever-living crap out of his friend for having the audacity to object to his condo being vomited in.

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1979 Co-MVP Keith Hernandez has spent the better part of the last decade playing a fake sportscaster. He’s also starred in like, a million Just For Men commercials, as a man obsessed with helping vain older dudes with Peter Pan complexes become better cradle-robbers, not to mention ex-jocks who just can’t seem to bag as many groupies as they once could in their prime. It looks so natural, no one can tell – except for anyone who’s seen you in the past seven years.