Rams’ Michael Sam Changing America’s Tune On Discrimination

As a person of Mustached American descent, I have lived a lifetime under a veil of scorn and disdain that continues to target the rugged good looks and laser cocksmanship that typifies the Mustached American experience. mens_vneck_tshirt

Indeed, even today in what is purportedly a more enlightened America, being a minority is in now way easy.

Enter the St. Louis Rams little-known seventh round draft pick out of Missouri. You may be familiar with him. He was the Southeastern Conference’s Co-Defensive Player of the Year.  His name is Michael Sam.

Oh, and as an aside, a little-known fact about Sam besides having a first name for both his first and last name: He is gay.

No, not happy “gay” like the silent film stars of the silver screen in the roaring ’20s. He’s gay “gay.”

Yes, God forbid. A man who likes other men!

Of course, a variety of reactions rolled in after Sam was drafted and seen kissing his boyfriend on camera as the two celebrated one man’s life dream of being drafted into the National Football League. While most were supportive, some could be heard moaning in the rafters. Notably, a foolish strong safety for the Miami Dolphins, Don Jones, scoffed via Twitter after the pick was made and has since been fined and suspended by his employer. Then former Super Bowl champion Derrick Ward was kind enough to tweet, “I’m sorry but that Michael Sam is no bueno for doing that on national tv….Man U got little kids lookin at the draft. I can’t believe ESPN even allowed that to happen.”

This just in: “no bueno” is not proper Spanish.

Fortunately, however, unlike the way the bigoted clean-shaven masses treated the Mustached American community in the 1980s — publicly shaming our people and forcing us to defecate in Port A Pottys marked “Mustache” — for the most part Sam is being broadly embraced, with the only concern now being that his attention will be too divided to effectively focus on football.

To wit, CafePress is selling apparel reading “Sam I Am. I Am A Ram;” his NFL jerseys are second in sales amongst rookies to only the ass-clown Johnny Manziel; and Opera Winfrey’s worthless television network has even announced they will produce a reality television show about Sam’s hopeful journey into the league.

Is America changing? Will this nation continue to embrace those who have faced discrimination in the past? If Michael Sam is any indication, we can only assume the answer is a resounding “yes” and that American culture is changing its tune of discrimination.

Red Sox Asked To Cease And Desist

On the heels of the team’s crushing defeat in Game 2 of the World Series — and in the midst of an 8-city Mustache Mobile Tour to promote a study of facial hair discrimination in the workplace (MustacheStudy.com) — on October 24 the American Mustache Institute sent the following correspondence to Boston Red Sox Executive Vice President, Corporate Strategy & General Counsel, Ed Weiss.

Mr. Weiss,

We at the American Mustache Institute (AMI) applaud you and the Boston Red Sox for your extraordinary success in this 2013 Major League Baseball Season and wish you the best against the St. Louis Cardinals in what all of America hopes will be a competitive World Series matchup.

However, while each member of the Mustached American community appreciates your team’s harnessing of facial hair towards athletic excellence, your marketing of beardism violates the expressed federal trademark of AMI’s ownership of the Sexually Dynamic Mustached American Lifestyle, and in particular, our legal right to approve via “expressed written consent” of any use of said beardism or mustacheularity in marketing the Red Sox’s winning ways or merchandise.

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Therefore, we have filed request for a temporary or permanent injunction, leading to the estoppal or cessation of said beardism-infringing activities in the court of Judge McKay Chauvin, Louisville Circuit Court, Division 8.

We are requesting a bench trial and have already filed a motion for summary judgment. Failing these two options, AMI along with the Walt Disney Reckoning Attribution Network and the Rev. Jerry Falwell, is prepared to fully-litigate this matter. This includes, if necessary, a full jury trial; and to this end we have retained counsel — the esteemed white-shoe firm of Dewey, Ahmadinejad & Houssein — in the aforementioned district.

We look forward to your response and cessation of these unsanctioned activities.

You’re welcome.


Jean Velue Doppelganger III, ESQ.
Chief Legal Affairs & Dance Coordination Coordinator
The American Mustache Institute
(877) STACHE-1

Online: http://AmericanMustacheInstitute.org
Twitter: http://twitter.com/MustacheTalk
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/AmericanMustacheInstitute

As a supporter of the American Mustache Institute, I pledge to:

  • ‘Stache a photo of myself at StacheAct.com in support of a $250 annual tax deduction for people of Mustached American descent.
  • Lobby the administration of President Barack Obama, asking him to grow a mustache before leaving office to demonstrate solidarity with people of Mustached American descent.
  • Applaud any Mustached American as they walk past me on the street.
  • Castigate clean shaven mortals and remind them that their bare-lipped appearance is a sign of weakness and communism.
  • Dislike all things associated with Dave Navarro.
  • Continue my mustache growth in the extremely rare case that it causes significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large.
  • Never own a cat or watch “Sex And The City.”
  • Distrust clean-shaven officers of the law, and if approached by a mustache-free constable, dial 911 and proceed to a nearby police station, where a squadron of heavily mustached officers will greet me with open arms.
  • Consider the environment before shaving my mustache.
  • Never forget that every time a mustache is shaved an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.

AMI Disclaimer: AMI supports healthy, performance enhancing-free mustaches that contain no pesticides. While the vast majority of mustache wearers have highly positive responses from friends, exotic dancers and grade school teachers, mustaches should be worn at your own risk, understanding that AMI is not responsible for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro. Wearing a “Dictator” mustache may lead to repeated beatings, and women are encouraged to avoid wearing mustaches if looking for male companionship or hoping to find employment outside of waste collection. If a mustache causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro. In extremely rare cases, mustaches may cause significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large. Consult a physician before exploring your personal mustache capabilities, as premature mustache growth may lead to feelings of despair and depression.

*This was NOT sent from a Blackberry, as mustached Americans neither own, nor have the ability, to operate Blackberrys.


World Series Of Beards And Questions of Discrimination

As we enter perhaps the most heavily bearded World Series in history, with the heavily facial haired Boston Red Sox duking it out against the newly furried Cardinals, this week the American Mustache Institute (AMI) and Wahl Trimmers embark on what should be the most important scientific endeavor since 1991.

Indeed, concerned about widespread claims of facial hair discrimination in the workplace, AMI and Wahl launched the Workplace Mustache Study (MustacheStudy.com), a definitive examination of the state of facial hair in the U.S. work environment.

Now, clearly, the Sox nor Cards have work environments to worry about, although we cannot recall the last time Cards GM John Mozeliak sports good looking face fur. But the timing is curious.

“We’re proud of what we are seeing on the faces of the Red Sox and Cardinals,” said AMI President Adam Paul Causgrove. “With the Sox’s beards deeper and thicker, equating to greater cocksmanship in our experience, we’d have to give Boston the edge.”WorkplacerMustacheBox_207x230_UPDATE

Developed by a team of AMI sociologists, national leaders of Mustached American descent, and reality TV stars with no relevant skills whatsoever, the study seeks further clarity on the acceptance of workplace facial hair and identifies workplace habits and characteristics most associated with people of facial hair.

“We still hear weekly from members of our community that they face discrimination in their work environments,” said Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove, AMI president and chairman. “Clearly this is not the case in the MLB clubhouses in Boston or St. Louis. But more broadly, on its face, this is utterly unacceptable. And yet, before we take action we must have data to support these concerns and thus we are partnering with Wahl to determine if there is, in fact, a deeper pattern of discrimination to address.”

The most recent examination of facial hair in the workplace came in the 1991 study “Effects of Cranial and Facial Hair on Perceptions of Age and Person,”published in the Journal of Social Psychology.  In it, authors J.A. Reed and E.M. Blunk found managers tended to hire men with facial hair while suggesting mustaches were not favorable to all professions, with clean-shaven men seen as more reliable in roles such as salesmen and professors.

Since that 1991 study, AMI research has shown acceptance of a facial hair-enriched lifestyle rose from 19.6 percent of Americans in 2000 to 48.2 percent in 2010 – a dramatic increase, although workplace perceptions, in particular, were not taken into account. To investigate the issue further, the AMI and Wahl are inviting the public to participate in the Workplace Mustache Study by going to mustachestudy.com and filling out the survey. The results of the study will be released in mid November.

“The American people understand that living a sexually-dynamic Mustached American lifestyle is not a choice, but a civil liberty,” added Dr. Causgrove, as he was removing a pair of white satin tear-away pants. “We will get to the bottom of this and report back to the American people.”

To promote the study, four members of the AMI — including myself — are embarking on an eight-city tour Oct. 23 – 26.through what the Institute refers to as the “Mustache Belt” — St. Louis, Nashville, Louisville, Indianapolis, Columbus, Cincinnati, Cleveland and Pittsburgh. The Institute will discuss the issue at hand, as well as congratulate “MUSTACHE POSITIVE” employers in these communities, which the AMI has identified based on positive feedback from Mustached Americans.

The AMI’s list of MUSTACHE POSITIVE employers include the St. Louis Rams — due to Coach Jeff Fisher’s presence — as well as the U.S. Postal Service, the City of Cleveland, CMT Network, H&R Block, Primanti Brothers, CafePress, Ford Motor Co., Exxon-Mobil, Eli Lilly & Co., Harley Davidson Motors, the University Of Pittsburgh, the Cincinnati Reds, Sabre Holdings, Foursquare, Limited Brands, and Pizza Hut.

Where the beards net out in the World Series is anyone’s guess. Where America nets out in our deep-seated culture of facial hair discrimination is another case altogether.

Your’e welcome.

Is Fisher Omission From Goulet Finalists Pool Fair?

Today the American Mustache Institute released its 2013 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year award, perhaps the most important award in the global award space.

Yet ominously missing was St. Louis Rams Coach Jeff Fisher, the Mustached American icon whom I interviewed last year for ESPN — and man who is possibly the greatest cocksman this side of Tiger Woods — when he was married.

Keep in mind that the Goulet award is not a “best mustache” contest but recognizes the person best contributing to the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle over the past year, with the winner will be announced at ‘Stache Bash 2013 Presented by Wahl Trimmers, on October 26 in Pittsburgh.GouletSidebarBaner_2013_VOTE

But I ask you — who’s done more for the mustache not just in St. Louis, but nationwide, over the past year?

No one, that’s who.

“The Goulet award finalists are a best-in-class of the past year’s Mustached American people,” AMI Chairman Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove said of the Goulet award, which in recent years the award has been called on par with the Nobel Prize for Peace by astrophysicist Stephen Hawking. “Some 900 other worthy candidates were left on the cutting room, but come ‘Stache Bash 2013 in Pittsburgh, we will crown a deserving winner and toast their greatness.”

Yeah? But why not Fisher?

The 2013 finalist pool is an interesting one – you can see the list in full here – as it includes Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana; St. Louis-area woodworker and master craftsman Dave Stine; Boston bombing suspect nabber David Henneberry; Bryan Harper who plays in the Washington Nationals organization; National Hockey League’s Mike Brown of the Edmonton Oilers; and the annual animated finalist — Cartoon Network’s Uncle Grandpa.

When pushed about Fisher’s omission, all Dr. Causgrove would say is, “It’s up to the people and Mr. Fisher, while bold and beautiful, was not nominated.”

Regardless, whether or not leaving off Fisher is fair or not, at least we can take heart knowing that one St. Louis sports star is deeply associated with the Goulet award — new Cards closer John Axford won the award in 2011.

So at least we’ve got that.



Where Have All the Flowers Gone, Keith Hernandez?

Last fall, Keith Hernandez shaved his mustache for charity, an act that prompted the Joe’s resident doctor, Aaron Perlut, to claim that the Cardinals’ 1979 Co-MVP had become some sort of living zombie, or android.

At the time, Hernandez pledged to stay follicle-free through the duration of the baseball season, saying he would use the long, cold winter to decide whether or not the mustache – famed star of sitcoms, commercials, and children’s shows – would rise again like a spring flower.


Well, spring is finally here, and as you can see from the above photo, taken from a recent Cardinals-Mets spring training game, Hernandez’s nose garden is empty, so it appears as though he decided to stay with the Chihuahua look (Hernandez is the one on the right, the other hairless guy is SNY play-by-play announcer Kevin Burkhardt – without the mustache it’s kind of difficult to tell, especially if you’re not wearing your bifocals, grandpa).


But wait, look a bit closer. Could it be that the bloom on this hibiscus is a dud? Could it be like the Seinfeld episode not starring Keith Hernandez, where Elaine’s swimmer boyfriend decides to stop shaving his head, only to discover that he’s going bald?


Until and unless we see his mustache restored to its once proud and glorious state, we’ll all just have to wonder, why the white-speckled stubble? In the meantime, count on Joe Sports Fan – your source for all things Keith Hernandez (at least of late anyway) – to be on top of this rapidly growing story.