Cardinals Put End to Pirate Trend

The Cardinals return home tonight hoping to throw the Los Angeles Dodgers overboard and secure their 19th pennant, more than any other National League franchise in the same city. (The Giants and Dodgers have won a few more overall, but not since switching coasts.)

But who’s counting?

No matter what happens in Game 6, or the rest of the postseason, one could make the argument that the 2013 Cardinals’ biggest accomplishment was putting an end to Pirate-Mania. All across the country, media and fans alike were gleefully raising their own proverbial Jolly Roger (okay, get your mind out of the gutter).

“It’s such a great story,” was the standard line shoved down our throats. “Their fans have suffered so long,” echoed the national media blob. “Look at how enthusiastic they are.”

“Not like those spoiled cities like St. Louis where everybody sits on their hands and takes postseason baseball for granted.”

Huh? Okay, so maybe another ho-hum NLDS appearance isn’t enough to make the average Cardinal fan go out in public dressed like this guy:

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You’ve got to admit, the Jolly Roger skirt is a nice touch, although I’m not sure how that works with the wallet chain. Did pirates even have wallets? Maybe in those days they attached it to a treasure chest. Of course, we at JSF fully endorse the virile mustache. But the rest of this getup…not so much. This guy identified himself as “Rick” and although he wasn’t crazy about being interviewed – his Pirates had just lost – he certainly wasn’t camera shy.

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The sails of this pirate trend have been catching wind for a while now.  Only the most cataclysmic of late-season collapses have been able to quell Pirate-Mania the last two years – to speak nothing of those Johnny Depp movies, the goings-on in Somalia, and that Captain Phillips guy.

If the Cardinals had not blockaded the Pirates’ voyage to the World Series this year, who knows how fashionable being a pirate would have become? How many more Ricks would it have spawned? How many more grown men would be out there parading around in little black skirts? This could have been the new look for the 2010’s.

Thankfully though, the Cardinals put an end to this trend, allowing all of us to proclaim…

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Pirates and Blackhawks rob man of happiness

Lost in his own thoughts about bad life decisions gone awry, the founder of the “Two Geographically Disparate Teams Without Logical Connection Fan” club sits alone on a crowded mass transportation vehicle staring blankly into the abyss.  On this night he has presumably sullied his reputation by consuming shame by the inning.  With each power play his descent into misery was expedited by futility.

It Steen’s slap shot goal with 21.1 seconds to go way a punch to the grill, then the Cardinals 6-1 clinical dismantling of the Pirates was a groin shot.

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The Blackhawks lost with just seconds to go.

The Pirates were just lost, but at least they weren’t this joyless, soulless man, hated by karma, sports, and anybody with any reasonable sense of fashion.