Sources Reveal List of Proposed Cardinals Care Broadcast Auction Items

Tuesday night the Cardinals, Fox Sports Midwest, and KMOX put together a broadcast auction to benefit Cardinals Care, where viewers/listeners could call in and bid on a variety of fan experiences.

Most of the auction items involved spending time with a current or former Cardinal in some fashion, like shadowing Jim Edmonds to get a feel for what it’s like to be an ex-ballplayer trying to get a feel for what it’s like to be a broadcaster, or playing catch on the field with an injured Michael Wacha*.

The full list of experiences was quite impressive. Which gets us wondering, what other ideas were considered? Oh, to be a fly on the wall during those brainstorm sessions with Cardinal brass. Undoubtedly, a host of ideas were floated but not chosen for one reason or another.

Well, wonder no more, because once again, we turned to our extensive network of JSF insider industry sources. They haven’t had much to do lately, so together they flexed their well-rested investigative muscles and uncovered a list of proposed auction items that didn’t make the cut. Here are just a few notables from that list:

THE SCOTT SPIEZIO FRIEND EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience with former Cardinal (and Illini) great Scott Spiezio for the whole family

  • Scott Spiezio arrives at your home sometime between midnight and 5 a.m. on a mutually agreeable date
  • Spiezio, under the influence of alcohol and narcotics, crashes his BMW into a tree in your front yard
  • Spiezio, filled with rage, breaks down your front door and kicks your ass in front of your wife and children
  • Up to six (6) of your children receive fake red soul patches and arm tattoos of his girlfriend, as applied by an intoxicated Spiezio
  • Members of Spiezio’s band “Sandfrog” arrive later and crash in your basement for a period of seven (7) to ten (10) days, giving periodic impromptu concerts

THE CHRIS DUNCAN LEFT FIELD EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for one (1) person

  • Pregame drinking contest with former player/current radio personality Chris Duncan in a private room on the Broadcast level
  • Attendee receives one (1) autographed over-sized novelty foam baseball glove and a pair of women’s pumps
  • Attendee spends one (1) hour shagging fly balls during pregame batting practice while wearing aforementioned novelty glove and women’s pumps
  • Two (2) Field Box Tickets
  • Attendee is escorted out of the stadium following the seventh inning for defensive purposes

NIGHT OUT WITH JOE BUCK AND FERNANDO TATIS EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for two (2) people

  • Overpriced, mediocre dinner at any of the two (2) area Buck’s locations, J. Buck’s in Clayton or Joe Buck’s downtown, with Joe Buck and Fernando Tatis
  • Two (2) Field Box Tickets
  • Private postgame party with Mr. Buck and Mr. Tatis for attendees and up to twelve (12) guests in the Florida Room at Just Johns in The Grove
  • Mutually agreeable date

ESTEBAN YAN BATTING PRACTICE EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for four (4) people

  • Take batting practice against former Cardinals pitching piñata Esteban Yan and experience the thrill of hitting a home run in the big leagues
  • Each participant is limited to ten (10) home runs in total, or approximately fifteen (15) pitches
  • All four (4) attendees receive a personally autographed baseball from Mr. Yan during post-batting practice meet and greet session
  • All four (4) attendees receive heavy-duty towels to wipe off Mr. Yan’s sweat resulting from aforementioned meet and greet
  • Also includes four (4) pairs of galoshes

THE KEVIN SLATEN & JACK CLARK BROADCAST EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for two (2) people

  • Winners are given three (3) hours of prime afternoon drive airtime on the local religious, community, or pirate radio station of their choice, during which they can say pretty much whatever the hell they want about anybody
  • Following the broadcast, each participant receives one (1) authentic defamation demand letter threatening legal action, autographed by Terry Crouppen of the St. Louis-based Brown & Crouppen Law Firm
  • One (1) late-night phone call from InsideSTL president Tim McKernan, informing each participant the show has been cancelled
  • Infinity (∞) chances to be a radio show host at another St. Louis sports station
  • One (1) replica of the amendments to the U.S. Constitution on parchment, suitable for framing

* In the event Mr. Wacha is unable to play catch, he will still be present for the experience, but Randy Choate will play catch in his place, as he really needs the work. Additionally, the attendee will be allowed to make eye contact with Mr. Wacha no more than five times throughout the entire duration of the experience.

Email: grubb@joesportsfan.com
Twitter: @grubbhub

Cody Ellis’ Real-Life Girlfriend Responsible for Hairdo Featuring Blue Racing Stripe

Last week we reported on Illinois head coach John Groce’s successful hairdo, or lack thereof. In keeping with the same theme, we’d like to spotlight St. Louis University senior forward Cody Ellis, who has the 12-4 Billikens on a streak of his own this season – a blue streak to be exact.

Recently, Ellis appeared on a local television broadcast to show off the new ‘do, which he has been sporting since late last summer.

cody-ellis-bluestreak

Ellis claimed his girlfriend was the one that actually performed the dye job – his real girlfriend, not a fake one that he’s only met online and may or may not have had long meaningful phone conversations with. Or at least, that’s what JSF’s team of private investigators is attempting to determine.

cody-ellis-ingame

Reportedly, the blue streak has been well received by SLU students and fans alike, not to mention Amazon downloads of the movie Blue Streak – a 1999 action comedy starring Martin Lawrence – have risen by two percent from their previous high of zero.

However, no mentions have been made of the Mohawk/mullet hybrid on stltoday.com’s SLU Talk message board by djj87, the user responsible for 98% of the posts in that forum.

slutalk-djj87

By the way, phrase “SLU Talk” is but a spacebar press away from “SLUTalk.” Just thought I’d point that out.

While definitely a bold statement, historically speaking Ellis is not alone in his endeavor. The hair-dying ventures of past St. Louis sports stars have met with mixed success.

sspiezio-redpatch

Scott Spiezio colored his soul patch a mighty Cardinal red, and rode its holistic powers to a World Series championship in 2006. But then, he also formed the band Sandfrog. Not to mention the incident in which he got blasted, crashed his car, fled on foot to his friend’s condo, vomited in his friend’s condo, and then beat the ever-living crap out of his friend for having the audacity to object to his condo being vomited in.

khernandez-justformen

1979 Co-MVP Keith Hernandez has spent the better part of the last decade playing a fake sportscaster. He’s also starred in like, a million Just For Men commercials, as a man obsessed with helping vain older dudes with Peter Pan complexes become better cradle-robbers, not to mention ex-jocks who just can’t seem to bag as many groupies as they once could in their prime. It looks so natural, no one can tell – except for anyone who’s seen you in the past seven years.