Desperate for work Shelby Miller submits resume to Cardinals

After several failed attempts to draw attention to his body of work via Powerpoint presentations and fruit baskets, Shelby Miller has resorted to applying for his own job.  Submitted just hours ago, Miller’s rather impressive resume provides compelling evidence that he has recently excelled at throwing a baseball.

Given the current condition of the St Louis Cardinals, one would think that a person which such a promising skill set would be deemed useful.  Maybe not.  In hopes of alerting current management to his presence Shelby passed along the following resume with a cover letter to Mike Matheny and John Mozeliak – both of whom we believe have actually met Mr. Miller.


We do not yet know whether the resume was rejected or not, because this was the last thing Shelby sent before his company email account was deactivated.

Cardinals misplace pitcher Shelby Miller

Shelby Charles Miller is 6’3″, 215 pounds, 23 years old, and a stud pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals.  You would think he’d be difficult to misplace, but he’s noticeably absent from the NLCS, and no mention has been made of him for nearly 2 weeks.

Some have claimed to have seen him warming up in the bullpen, but he hasn’t actually pitched since October 4th.  For all we know, the team has shoved another 6’3″ flamethrower into a “Miller 40” jersey and had him throw 15-20 pitches with a cap covering his eyes.  It’s not like the team doesn’t have guys like that growing on trees.

Our sources indicate that the team has quietly sent unknown infielder Ryan Jackson in search of Shelby.  Additionally, the geospatial team here at JSF has partnered with ARF to track Shelby’s whereabouts using the RFID chip implanted in his thick skull.


Eyewitness accounts and satellite data indicates that Shelby is headed to Pittsburgh and pushing a rather large doghouse.  Even worse, he’s alone, terrified, and bereft of hair product.

Now to locate Ryan Jackson.

UPDATE: St. Louis dairy distributors have kicked the #FindShelby initiative into high gear.