Weekly Hypothetical: Turn One Current or Former STL Athlete into a WWE Character


Last night, the wrestling hotbed known as St. Louis played host to a historic 1,000th episode of WWE Raw.  That’s 1,000 nights filled with shirtless, sweaty men pandering to an arena filled with thousands of equally sweaty men who scream relentlessly when two of them decide to roll around on a canvas mat together.  In other words, it’s fantastic.

The storytellers that ply their craft in the WWE know no creative bounds when it comes to building characters and the story arcs that make them so damn entertaining.   A homoerotic transexual painted gold from head to toe? Done that.  A guy who claims to be a genius and reads poetry off of frisbees? Yep.  An evil clown?  Check that off the list too.

But as creative as the WWE is, we’re still certain that JSF readers can toss in a few nuggets to help them come up with the next big thing. Especially when we’re talking St. Louis athletes.  That leads up to the Weekly Hypothetical:

Let’s do it.

With Raw coming to St. Louis for their 1,000 episode earlier this week, you have been invited to a private meeting with Vince McMahon in which you are granted the authority to choose one current/former STL athlete to become a WWE character. Per his requirements, we need a character name, outfit description, and a signature wrestling move for consideration.

Who do you go with?

We’ll read the top three answers on Episode 16 of The JoeSportsFan Show this Friday and give a JSF logo t-shirt to the lucky individual that scores top honors. You can throw your hat into the ring one of three ways:

1.) Leave a comment below.

2.) Email us: theshow@joesportsfan.com.

3.) Send us a message on Twitter at @JoeSportsFan.

If you’ve got a thing for Twitter hashtags, slap #JSFHypothetical on your response.




  • BroJammerJosh says:

    Tony Twist is the “Ice Man”. He wears a blue and gold leotard (sleeveless) and his signature move is toward the buffet line.

  • James in Wichita says:

    Pujols as “The 254 Million Dollar Man” ala Ted DiBiase. He’d wear a tuxedo-themed suit with a HUGE red-sequined #5 on the back modified as a cash sign.

    Signature move? The Heartbreaker. A flying elbow drop to the chest from the top rope.

    Bonus- his manager is Deidre Pujols ala Miss Elizabeth.

  • Jason D. says:

    I’d like to see Dave Duncan in a similar fashion to Jake the Snake; except his DDT’s would be followed by pulling an empty log of Kodiak out of paper bag and laying next to his defeated opponent.

  • Caleb D. says:

    Bo “The Hitman” Hart. Much the same stylings and attitude of Bret “The Hitman” Hart, but Bo is much hyped by the media, dominates in his first 10 matches, and then mysteriously falls off the face of the earth for unexplained reasons.

    • Caleb D. says:

      Outfit would be a Cardinals minor league affiliate uniform, and his signature move would be The Sultan of Scrap.

    • Nick D. says:

      Sounds a lot like Koko B. Ware. Can we give him a Cardinal to carry on his shoulder for full effect?

  • Ryan R says:

    Ozzie Smith is “The Wizard.” A stretch, I know. He would be a high flyer with a knack for acrobatics and his finisher would be a backflip to the face, followed by the 1-2-3.

    His tag team partner would be Jose “The Secret Weapon” Oquendo. He wouldn’t be particularly skilled in any one area, but has experience in hardcore matches, is adept at submission holds, and can go off the top rope if need be.

  • Tim says:

    Steve Kline as a loud mouth buffoon who wants to bang your daughter.

  • Billy L says:

    Jose Oquendo, naturally “the secret weapon”. His arsenal would include attacking his opponents from every possible angle/position of the ring.

  • Jason says:

    Vince “Vinsanity” Coleman, his finishing move would be to throw a lit firecracker in his opponents eyes to stun him, then roll over his legs like a human tarp (named .85 special)

    Dressed in a Mets track jacket with that trademark pencil thin mustache.

  • Mark Dierker says:

    Tom “Bruno” Brunansky. Bruno is fitting for a character of WWE. Not only the nickname, but the stasche, attitude, and not too many people remember him. He was traded from the Twins for the man Tommy Herr.

  • Dan in O'Fallon says:

    I’d love to see Scott Spiezio in Ultimate Warrior outfit. Sprinting into the ring shaking the ropes and then after the match he would sprint out of the ring because the cops are after him

  • Justin says:

    how about Larussa as D.U.I. KINDA LIKE I.R.S. He could hit you with his bottle of Yukon Jack in a mrown paper bag instead of a briefcase like I.R.S. as a finisher.

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