11 jokes to make about the Cardinals hiring Mike Matheny…


It’s Monday morning.  Your brain is undoubtedly clogged with malted hops and your stomach is barking because you ate enough buffalo sauce to kill a horse this weekend.  But, it’s go-time at the office.  Time to be smart, time to be charming, time to dominate break room conversations with your witty sports analysis.

Because you’ve been so kind to us, it’s time for us to give back.  Here are ten little ribs about Mike Matheny to integrate into your Monday office conversations.


First Spring Training drill under Mike Matheny: “Opening Birthday Gifts Safely with Hunting Knives.”

It shouldn’t be lost that Matheny, like La Russa, is a lover of animals; especially when they wander into the cross-hairs of a rifle scope.

The Cardinals have already replaced the wine refrigerator in La Russa’s office with a mini keg of Busch Light for Matheny.

There’s just about nothing to dislike about Mike Matheny’s personality, yet.  This is like Armageddon for sports talk radio callers and message board goons.

The Matheny hiring opens up an analyst position at Fox Sports Midwest.  If you’re extremely vapid, lifeless & once played baseball for the Cardinals, it’s time to submit your demo tape.

If Jose Oquendo bolts, I look forward to Pujols coaching 3B by himself, except when it’s his turn on-deck.  Like co-ed softball, really.

The Mike Matheny hiring will spark the biggest fan jersey recycling effort in St. Louis since Willie McGee returned in ’96.

The Matheny hiring has tremendous newspaper headline potential: “Cardinals take a stab with Matheny”, “The Perfect Catch”, “Catch 22″, “A Cut Above” and “Cardinals Drop The Deuce”.

Joe McEwing didn’t get the job, but we’re told his interview was one for the ages.  The Cardinals have never had a managerial candidate demand to be clocked while running from first to third.

Mike Matheny is one dashing man.  He’s really going to make the nightly media scrum look like a bunch of garden gnomes.  As in, more than usual.

Arthur Rhodes is 333 days older than Mike Matheny. (Okay, fine.  That isn’t a joke.)



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