Colby Rasmus is, um well, great in, um, front of the, um, camera.
For the past few months, MLB Network has been running a recurring web-series called “Now You Know”. In short, it features players talking about their seemingly-normal lives. It’s part of baseball’s perpetual effort to convince their fans that million dollar athletes are normal people just like them. We all like to play XBox 360, MLB. The difference is, not all of us can play it in our underpants at noon on a Tuesday.
Minus those details, the series has been moderately entertaining. Since MLB cycled through their list of affable personalities in less than a month, we’re presented with some amazing unintentional comedy.
Namely, Colby Rasmus telling us about what he likes.
Nice play, MLB. There’s no way any organization (JoeSportsFan, included) that could possibly parody that cinematic brilliance and have it be half as entertaining as the original. No chance.
We needed several naps and a Red Bull to get through that video, but let’s break down some of money quotes.
1.) “I got an F-250, jacked up…”
Colby explains that his walk-up music is “Kickin’ Up Mud” by the Lacs because it talks about those kinda things…and hunting…and stuff…so, it fits.
2.) “He’s always g’d up and looking’ ripe.”
Spoken in reference to Kyle Lohse, the best-dressed baseball player, according to Colby Rasmus. Effectively, “g’d up” means “looking gangsta”. Someone needs to tell Colby that wearing a buttoned-up shirt isn’t “gangsta”, it’s just something that people outside of the Georgia backwoods wear.
3.) “A good, um, chili dog.”
Named as Colby’s favorite food.
No further analysis required, other than we’re genuinely surprised this answer didn’t include the word “squirrel”.
4.) “When I run a game, I wear it.”
This was mentioned after Colby informs us that Michael Jordan was his favorite athlete growing up and that he still owns his childhood Jordan #23 Bulls jersey. By “running a game”, we’re guessing Colby means “when he plays pick-up basketball”. We’re also guessing that Colby is the guy that calls a bullshit foul anytime you touch him in the lane.
5.) “We play lot of Mario Kart.”
Mentioned as Colby’s favorite thing to do with his 18-month daughter. We know today’s youth are a bit more capable these days, but we had no idea 18-month olds could play Mario Kart. But hey, we should all be glad that he’s not teaching her how to spell.
6.) “Definitely wouldn’t be her’ if it wasn’t fo’ him.”
In reference to Colby’s father, Tony Rasmus.
7.) “I like to play chess an’ Words wit’ Friends”.
Apparently, these are Colby’s favorite games to play on his iPhone. Right. This was probably right about the time the MLB producer thought to himself, “Wow, this is bad. Let’s try to fool some people.”
8.) “Walked in, wrote a check fo’ it and drove it off da lot.”
Spoken in reference to a BMW M5 as the “most ridiculous thing he’s ever bought”. Colby explains that he brought the car brand new (for $91,000) after his 2008 AA season in Springfield. Frankly, we’re surprised that a good ‘ole boy like Colby would buy a foreign car, but we’re also 99% confident that the salesman guaranteed him that “BMW” stands for “Birmingham Motor Works.”
9.) “I’m Colby Rasmus, and now you know.”
We can think of about 10 different ways to finish that sentence.