Red Sox Asked To Cease And Desist

On the heels of the team’s crushing defeat in Game 2 of the World Series — and in the midst of an 8-city Mustache Mobile Tour to promote a study of facial hair discrimination in the workplace (MustacheStudy.com) — on October 24 the American Mustache Institute sent the following correspondence to Boston Red Sox Executive Vice President, Corporate Strategy & General Counsel, Ed Weiss.

Mr. Weiss,

We at the American Mustache Institute (AMI) applaud you and the Boston Red Sox for your extraordinary success in this 2013 Major League Baseball Season and wish you the best against the St. Louis Cardinals in what all of America hopes will be a competitive World Series matchup.

However, while each member of the Mustached American community appreciates your team’s harnessing of facial hair towards athletic excellence, your marketing of beardism violates the expressed federal trademark of AMI’s ownership of the Sexually Dynamic Mustached American Lifestyle, and in particular, our legal right to approve via “expressed written consent” of any use of said beardism or mustacheularity in marketing the Red Sox’s winning ways or merchandise.

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Therefore, we have filed request for a temporary or permanent injunction, leading to the estoppal or cessation of said beardism-infringing activities in the court of Judge McKay Chauvin, Louisville Circuit Court, Division 8.

We are requesting a bench trial and have already filed a motion for summary judgment. Failing these two options, AMI along with the Walt Disney Reckoning Attribution Network and the Rev. Jerry Falwell, is prepared to fully-litigate this matter. This includes, if necessary, a full jury trial; and to this end we have retained counsel — the esteemed white-shoe firm of Dewey, Ahmadinejad & Houssein — in the aforementioned district.

We look forward to your response and cessation of these unsanctioned activities.

You’re welcome.

Sincerely,

Jean Velue Doppelganger III, ESQ.
Chief Legal Affairs & Dance Coordination Coordinator
The American Mustache Institute
(877) STACHE-1

Online: http://AmericanMustacheInstitute.org
Twitter: http://twitter.com/MustacheTalk
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/AmericanMustacheInstitute

As a supporter of the American Mustache Institute, I pledge to:

  • ‘Stache a photo of myself at StacheAct.com in support of a $250 annual tax deduction for people of Mustached American descent.
  • Lobby the administration of President Barack Obama, asking him to grow a mustache before leaving office to demonstrate solidarity with people of Mustached American descent.
  • Applaud any Mustached American as they walk past me on the street.
  • Castigate clean shaven mortals and remind them that their bare-lipped appearance is a sign of weakness and communism.
  • Dislike all things associated with Dave Navarro.
  • Continue my mustache growth in the extremely rare case that it causes significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large.
  • Never own a cat or watch “Sex And The City.”
  • Distrust clean-shaven officers of the law, and if approached by a mustache-free constable, dial 911 and proceed to a nearby police station, where a squadron of heavily mustached officers will greet me with open arms.
  • Consider the environment before shaving my mustache.
  • Never forget that every time a mustache is shaved an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.

AMI Disclaimer: AMI supports healthy, performance enhancing-free mustaches that contain no pesticides. While the vast majority of mustache wearers have highly positive responses from friends, exotic dancers and grade school teachers, mustaches should be worn at your own risk, understanding that AMI is not responsible for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro. Wearing a “Dictator” mustache may lead to repeated beatings, and women are encouraged to avoid wearing mustaches if looking for male companionship or hoping to find employment outside of waste collection. If a mustache causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro. In extremely rare cases, mustaches may cause significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large. Consult a physician before exploring your personal mustache capabilities, as premature mustache growth may lead to feelings of despair and depression.

*This was NOT sent from a Blackberry, as mustached Americans neither own, nor have the ability, to operate Blackberrys.

 

The time for PostCards BINGO is now

Carlos Beltran played in 2064 regular season games and 45 postseason games before reaching the World Series.  After 16 long years and hundreds of “selfies”, he finally made it to the penultimate best-of-seven series.  Then he was nearly impaled by a Fenway wall in his first World Series game.  Bad Luck Beltran.  Pretty sure Alanis Morissette wrote a really terrible song about such things.

Regardless, the events of yesterday evening may have some of you searching for a useful distraction or focal point for your misguided rage.  We’re offering neither.  What we do have is something slightly more amusing than the thought of Jon Lester’s walkup music being something by the Goo Goo Dolls.

So hit the “turbo” button on that CPU, connect your dot matrix printer, and wait 20 minutes for your very own copy of “PostCards Bingo” to hit the floor.

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You can win 2014 Opening Day tickets now.

With the World Series beginning tonight, we’re pleased to announce that we have teamed up with TiqIQ to bring you the “Rookies” app World Series contest.

Enter to WIN OPENING DAY CARDINALS TICKETS from TiqIQ.com + a FREE 20-Pack of personalized baseball cards. Check out the image for the contest entry details… It’s 3 easy steps!

If you don’t know, the “Rookies” iPhone app is a St. Louis product that allows you to create your own, personalized baseball cards.  The front and back of each card is fully personalized with custom photos, text and color.  Once created, users can share them socially on Facebook and Twitter.

After customizing your cards, users can purchase a pack of their cards, which are printed on premium-recycled stock that come wrapped in a custom wax pack. Each pack contains 20 cards and you have the ability to choose to receive 20 of the same cards, or create a collection of your own designs and get a pack of all cards in that collection.

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TiqIQ is a leading secondary market ticket aggregator with a singular mission to make buying event tickets more transparent, efficient, and simpler. We deliver on that mission each day by providing ticket buyers with real-time information on the latest price trends, and access to the best deals from all sellers–for any event. TiqIQ also allows you to sell tickets using their totally free service, Seller Direct.

This brings us to the contest itself. It’s three simple steps that can be viewed on the image below.  The winner will receive a free pack of their own baseball cards from “Rookies” and free Cardinals tickets or Red Sox tickets to Opening Day next season from TiqIQ!

Also, for a full update on World Series ticket prices, visit the TiqIQ blog.

World Series Of Beards And Questions of Discrimination

As we enter perhaps the most heavily bearded World Series in history, with the heavily facial haired Boston Red Sox duking it out against the newly furried Cardinals, this week the American Mustache Institute (AMI) and Wahl Trimmers embark on what should be the most important scientific endeavor since 1991.

Indeed, concerned about widespread claims of facial hair discrimination in the workplace, AMI and Wahl launched the Workplace Mustache Study (MustacheStudy.com), a definitive examination of the state of facial hair in the U.S. work environment.

Now, clearly, the Sox nor Cards have work environments to worry about, although we cannot recall the last time Cards GM John Mozeliak sports good looking face fur. But the timing is curious.

“We’re proud of what we are seeing on the faces of the Red Sox and Cardinals,” said AMI President Adam Paul Causgrove. “With the Sox’s beards deeper and thicker, equating to greater cocksmanship in our experience, we’d have to give Boston the edge.”WorkplacerMustacheBox_207x230_UPDATE

Developed by a team of AMI sociologists, national leaders of Mustached American descent, and reality TV stars with no relevant skills whatsoever, the study seeks further clarity on the acceptance of workplace facial hair and identifies workplace habits and characteristics most associated with people of facial hair.

“We still hear weekly from members of our community that they face discrimination in their work environments,” said Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove, AMI president and chairman. “Clearly this is not the case in the MLB clubhouses in Boston or St. Louis. But more broadly, on its face, this is utterly unacceptable. And yet, before we take action we must have data to support these concerns and thus we are partnering with Wahl to determine if there is, in fact, a deeper pattern of discrimination to address.”

The most recent examination of facial hair in the workplace came in the 1991 study “Effects of Cranial and Facial Hair on Perceptions of Age and Person,”published in the Journal of Social Psychology.  In it, authors J.A. Reed and E.M. Blunk found managers tended to hire men with facial hair while suggesting mustaches were not favorable to all professions, with clean-shaven men seen as more reliable in roles such as salesmen and professors.

Since that 1991 study, AMI research has shown acceptance of a facial hair-enriched lifestyle rose from 19.6 percent of Americans in 2000 to 48.2 percent in 2010 – a dramatic increase, although workplace perceptions, in particular, were not taken into account. To investigate the issue further, the AMI and Wahl are inviting the public to participate in the Workplace Mustache Study by going to mustachestudy.com and filling out the survey. The results of the study will be released in mid November.

“The American people understand that living a sexually-dynamic Mustached American lifestyle is not a choice, but a civil liberty,” added Dr. Causgrove, as he was removing a pair of white satin tear-away pants. “We will get to the bottom of this and report back to the American people.”

To promote the study, four members of the AMI — including myself — are embarking on an eight-city tour Oct. 23 – 26.through what the Institute refers to as the “Mustache Belt” — St. Louis, Nashville, Louisville, Indianapolis, Columbus, Cincinnati, Cleveland and Pittsburgh. The Institute will discuss the issue at hand, as well as congratulate “MUSTACHE POSITIVE” employers in these communities, which the AMI has identified based on positive feedback from Mustached Americans.

The AMI’s list of MUSTACHE POSITIVE employers include the St. Louis Rams — due to Coach Jeff Fisher’s presence — as well as the U.S. Postal Service, the City of Cleveland, CMT Network, H&R Block, Primanti Brothers, CafePress, Ford Motor Co., Exxon-Mobil, Eli Lilly & Co., Harley Davidson Motors, the University Of Pittsburgh, the Cincinnati Reds, Sabre Holdings, Foursquare, Limited Brands, and Pizza Hut.

Where the beards net out in the World Series is anyone’s guess. Where America nets out in our deep-seated culture of facial hair discrimination is another case altogether.

Your’e welcome.

Cardinals Put End to Pirate Trend

The Cardinals return home tonight hoping to throw the Los Angeles Dodgers overboard and secure their 19th pennant, more than any other National League franchise in the same city. (The Giants and Dodgers have won a few more overall, but not since switching coasts.)

But who’s counting?

No matter what happens in Game 6, or the rest of the postseason, one could make the argument that the 2013 Cardinals’ biggest accomplishment was putting an end to Pirate-Mania. All across the country, media and fans alike were gleefully raising their own proverbial Jolly Roger (okay, get your mind out of the gutter).

“It’s such a great story,” was the standard line shoved down our throats. “Their fans have suffered so long,” echoed the national media blob. “Look at how enthusiastic they are.”

“Not like those spoiled cities like St. Louis where everybody sits on their hands and takes postseason baseball for granted.”

Huh? Okay, so maybe another ho-hum NLDS appearance isn’t enough to make the average Cardinal fan go out in public dressed like this guy:

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You’ve got to admit, the Jolly Roger skirt is a nice touch, although I’m not sure how that works with the wallet chain. Did pirates even have wallets? Maybe in those days they attached it to a treasure chest. Of course, we at JSF fully endorse the virile mustache. But the rest of this getup…not so much. This guy identified himself as “Rick” and although he wasn’t crazy about being interviewed – his Pirates had just lost – he certainly wasn’t camera shy.

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The sails of this pirate trend have been catching wind for a while now.  Only the most cataclysmic of late-season collapses have been able to quell Pirate-Mania the last two years – to speak nothing of those Johnny Depp movies, the goings-on in Somalia, and that Captain Phillips guy.

If the Cardinals had not blockaded the Pirates’ voyage to the World Series this year, who knows how fashionable being a pirate would have become? How many more Ricks would it have spawned? How many more grown men would be out there parading around in little black skirts? This could have been the new look for the 2010’s.

Thankfully though, the Cardinals put an end to this trend, allowing all of us to proclaim…

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Cardinals misplace pitcher Shelby Miller

Shelby Charles Miller is 6’3″, 215 pounds, 23 years old, and a stud pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals.  You would think he’d be difficult to misplace, but he’s noticeably absent from the NLCS, and no mention has been made of him for nearly 2 weeks.

Some have claimed to have seen him warming up in the bullpen, but he hasn’t actually pitched since October 4th.  For all we know, the team has shoved another 6’3″ flamethrower into a “Miller 40″ jersey and had him throw 15-20 pitches with a cap covering his eyes.  It’s not like the team doesn’t have guys like that growing on trees.

Our sources indicate that the team has quietly sent unknown infielder Ryan Jackson in search of Shelby.  Additionally, the geospatial team here at JSF has partnered with ARF to track Shelby’s whereabouts using the RFID chip implanted in his thick skull.

wheresshelby

Eyewitness accounts and satellite data indicates that Shelby is headed to Pittsburgh and pushing a rather large doghouse.  Even worse, he’s alone, terrified, and bereft of hair product.

Now to locate Ryan Jackson.

UPDATE: St. Louis dairy distributors have kicked the #FindShelby initiative into high gear.

 

Pirates and Blackhawks rob man of happiness

Lost in his own thoughts about bad life decisions gone awry, the founder of the “Two Geographically Disparate Teams Without Logical Connection Fan” club sits alone on a crowded mass transportation vehicle staring blankly into the abyss.  On this night he has presumably sullied his reputation by consuming shame by the inning.  With each power play his descent into misery was expedited by futility.

It Steen’s slap shot goal with 21.1 seconds to go way a punch to the grill, then the Cardinals 6-1 clinical dismantling of the Pirates was a groin shot.

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The Blackhawks lost with just seconds to go.

The Pirates were just lost, but at least they weren’t this joyless, soulless man, hated by karma, sports, and anybody with any reasonable sense of fashion.

 

VIDEO: an outsider joined the 2011 World Series celebration

We’re not sure why the video below is just now unveiling itself, but it’s incredible.

Allow us to set the stage.  The Cardinals just won Game 7 of the 2011 World Series.  As the celebration ensues at Busch Stadium, a man dressed in a full baseball uniform hops onto the field from the bleachers and joins the celebration.

He runs right past a cornucopia of security guards and field attendants….and right into the center of a World Series championship celebration.  Incredible.  Apparently, if you want to elude jail time for field trespassing, all you need is an oversized tee ball uniform these days.

Again, we’re not sure why this video is just now being discovered.

Frankly, we have a lot of questions.

1.) How did he leave the celebration? Dressed as an usher?

2.) Why the sunglasses at night?  Unless you’re Tony La Russa, that’s a dead giveaway.

3.) Why is Colby Rasmus in the outfield bleachers filming this video?

Aw, Pittsburgh fans are cute.

Back in February, a youngster made his way down to Cardinals Spring Training in Jupiter, Florida.

His name was Michael Wacha.  Those stat heads familiar to the situation talked about his potential as a Major League pitcher.  At JoeSportsFan, we talked about his last name which sound familiar to Fozzie Bear’s infamous “Wocka Wocka” catchphrase.  Hey, we all have our place in this industry.

To celebrate this relation, we produced the graphic below back in February.

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The graphic sat dormant for some time, especially since Michael Wacha made his way up and down from the Memphis Redbirds this season.

As Wacha reappeared in Game 4 of the NLDS in Pittsburgh, the graphic also made its resurgence.

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That’s a “WACHA WACHA” sign held by a Pittsburgh Pirates fan, allegedly as a insult.

Bizarre.

But hey, these people are new to this whole “playoff” thing.

St. Louis Joes: Vega Heartbreak

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He’s told the tale a million times.

“All right so you wanna know how I did the rally song?” Orlando Rowe, 25, more commonly known as Vega Heartbreak, says as he breaks into a wide grin, attempting to lean back on a stiff black metal chair outside of a Starbucks in downtown Webster Groves. He’s dressed plainly: white T-shirt and black pants, paling in comparison to his personal success in the story he’s about to tell.

Vega begins to talk about his song and YouTube video, now with over 200,000 hits, and the polished tale unfolds flawlessly. The story begins in his mother’s, Mary Valerie-Richardson’s, living room. Rowe visited his mom one evening during the 2011 Cardinals playoff run. After watching the Redbirds dismantle the Brewers, he started fooling around on his mobile studio, laying down a beat to a song about the Cardinals.

Waking up the next day, he added his voice to the song. The production took only a few hours and, when finished, Rowe sent the tape off to DJ Cuddy, a radio personality at 104.1 FM (click to the web site).

The rest is history. Within the next two days, the “Go Cards Rally Song” went viral, trended on Twitter and landed Vega all over the St. Louis media scene. The song also aired on 107.7 FM and inspired a music video—which, because of the rapid popularity, features Vega in clothes he bought that day and a hat fresh with its stickers on it.

Vega performed outside of Busch Stadium before Game Six of the 2011 World Series. A day later, the Cardinals won the Fall Classic, and the correlation between the song and the Cards success has often been disputed. The night the Cardinals won it all, Vega said he partied with David Freese, Jason Motte and other Cardinals. It was then he realized his career had started to take off.

He’s told the story a million times before. The song itself is recognizable as the Cardinals themselves that year. But there is a tale he hasn’t recounted: his life leading up to the song and where his success has taken him since.

Started from the bottom

To understand Rowe, you must understand his hard-working and passionate demeanor which his mother, a single parent, undoubtedly rubbed off on him at a young age, as she worked two jobs to support her large family. Rowe, the fifth child out of seven brothers and sisters, grew up in University City off Kempland Place. Valerie-Richardson didn’t want her children growing up in the city and attending city schools, which forced her to work tirelessly to keep her house in U-City.

“My mother was such a strong woman; it seemed like she made it easy for us,” Rowe said.

His father, Orlando Rowe, spent time in and out of jail throughout his son’s childhood. When Rowe turned nine, his father started a 14-year prison sentence for armed robbery. Rowe said there was little to no communication between his father and his family during his time in jail.

Although his dad wasn’t around to play catch, Rowe said he quickly fell in love with baseball. He idolized 90s Cardinals from Willie McGee to Fernando Tatis to Matt Morris, memorizing all the stats of his favorite stars. His dream was to play in the Majors.

He started playing in leagues around U-City at the age of five. Rowe said he had a strong arm, so his coaches slotted him on the left side of the field at shortstop, third base and left field. Baseball, though, is an expensive sport, and his family didn’t have enough money for equipment. But Rowe said his coaches helped him out.

“I was so good, I never had to pay,” he said.

Going into middle school, a new passion, music, started to compete with baseball. His older brother, artist Bradd Young, built a studio in his house and invited Rowe over to experiment with the equipment. Skipping baseball games to go to his brother’s house, Rowe, originally a producer, burned CDs of his beats and passed them out to his friends.

Kanye West, Jay-Z and Nas started pushing out the names of McGee and Tatis in his mind and, although he played for University City High School, Rowe admits he played baseball just to pass the time. In between working jobs at The Palace roller skating rink and at St. Luke’s Hospital washing dishes, he started to add his voice to his beats. His first album, “Hidden Talents,” was handed out to his to his friends; the piece was lauded for its production but criticized for its flow, the rhythms and rhymes of the song’s lyrics.

His name, “Vega Heartbreak,” was developed during this time. “Vega” was used in tribute to Rowe’s favorite character in the video game Street Fighter and “Heartbreak” comes from his high school heartthrob past, Rowe said. His biggest supporter was his cousin, Aaron Watson, who recognized his talent and, when Rowe was 17, wanted to be his manager.

“I didn’t even know what a manager was back then,” Rowe said.

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College dropout

Rowe said he can sort of relate to Kanye West, a rap and production artist who dropped out of college to pursue music. After two years attending NorthPark Vatterott College, Rowe earned his associate’s degree in electrical engineering. Like Kanye, he stopped attending school and started messing around with his music. To earn a living, he cleaned cars at Enterprise Rent-A-Car near Lambert Airport.

The hard-working Rowe found success quickly. Within a year, Enterprise named him manager of the car washers.

“I was telling 60-year-olds what to do,” Rowe said.

His life changed while he was scrubbing rental cars. His manager knew Demetrius “Kinky B” Ellerbee who was the manager of Young Jeezy, a very successful rapper. Kinky B liked what he heard from Rowe’s production and began flying Rowe from St. Louis to Atlanta every weekend to work on Jeezy’s new album.

Rowe said Jeezy loved his production and actually made several songs with Vega Heartbreak. Unfortunately, Kinky B and Jeezy experienced a falling out (the artist and manager are currently embroiled in a $5 million lawsuit) and Heartbreak’s songs didn’t pan out on the new album.

The loss hurt Rowe deeply. He thought the album would be his big break into the rap industry. Dejected, Rowe left his car, clothes and television in Atlanta and never came back to pick them up.

“I bought a flight and got out of there,” Rowe said. “I just wanted to start new.”

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Not giving up

Rowe was in a nadir, but his hard-working attitude lifted him from his rut. When he arrived back home in 2011, he immediately looked for work on Craigslist. Rowe landed a job as a janitor at St. Gerard Majella, a Catholic grade school at Ballas and Dougherty Ferry in Kirkwood. His work started at 4:30 p.m. every day, mindlessly cleaning linoleum floors and metallic water fountains.

In his free time, Rowe continued to work on his music. Then, in October, Rowe created the “Go Cardinals” song, which rapidly found popularity. After visiting several television stations one morning to promote his new song, he realized his days as a janitor were over.

“I’m thinking to myself as I’m cleaning—as I’m mopping a floor—is this really real? Then I see a kid running down the hallway, and the teacher almost had to pull him off me. Then I (thought), ‘Yeah, I can’t do this anymore,’” Rowe said.

Rowe quit his job and started riding the wave of success off his song. Because he wasn’t signed with a major label, Rowe didn’t make any royalties off his song getting played on the radio. However, Rowe said he uploaded his song on iTunes, which was where he made money. After the World Series, he started visiting schools, including St. Gerard, to tell kids his message of never giving up on their dreams.

“That (song) helped me gain so many fans,” he said.

In between school visits, he started working on his next album, “Small City, Big Dreams,” which he dropped last year. He plans to release his next album “Student Loans” this August. Currently, Rowe is also working with Akon and Nelly in production of their new albums while touring around the country. He performed with Nelly on Aug. 2 in Poplar Bluff.

Rowe said he doesn’t know where he wants to go with his rap career and said that, after losing everything in Atlanta, he doesn’t put faith in things he can’t control anymore. Instead, he’s just focusing on his passion for music.

“I don’t even want to be famous,” Rowe said. “I just want to inspire somebody to let you know you can do anything in the world…Most famous people are broke. I’d rather have a cult following, have millions of dollars in the bank and wear white T-shirts.”

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