JSF Top 7: Things We Learned From the Winter Olympics

So, the Winter Olympics are over, but what did we really learn now that all the hoopla and hullabaloo have finally died down? Thankfully, only seven things. Exactly seven. No more, no less. Which is good because it fits really well into our current format. Presenting JSF’s Top 7: Things We Learned From the Winter Olympics.

1. Sochi: It’s Not That Cold

Apparently, being a subtropical beach holiday destination does not preclude you from hosting the Winter Olympics. Get your sales pitch ready, Myrtle Beach, you could be next.

Temperatures in the 50’s? I expected the cold, bleak Russian winter to be a little colder and a little bleaker than this. That Billy Joel’s full of shit, man.

2. The Opening Ceremonies Just Keep Getting Weirder

Seriously, what the hell was that?  It was like Killer Klowns From Outer Space meets Alice In Wonderland meets Hunger Games meets Super Mario Bros. meets Dark Side of the Moon at the Staerkel Planetarium.  I’m good on nightmare fuel for a while. Thanks, Putin.

3. When in Sochi, Don’t Wash Your Face

A lesson Bob Costas learned the hard way:

costas-pinkeye

Too bad his good friend Tony La Russa didn’t warn him. The former White Sox A’s Cardinals Major League Baseball manager knows the dangers of the Sochi room service hot towel treatment all too well.

tlr-sochi-towel-treatment
4. T.J. Oshie…More Like…T.J. Sochi! Am I Right?? Who’s With Me?

Although I’m not nearly clever enough to come up with that nickname, this guy is. Nevertheless, I do love repeating it ad naseam. Never mind that the U.S. men’s hockey team came up short in its quest for a medal. They beat the Russians in an all-time classic, making Oshie St. Louis’ greatest thing since sliced provel pizza pitchman David Freese.

A St. Louis professional athlete hasn’t received this kind of mass attention since Freese crushed a pitch from Mark Lowe into tomorrow night. Sure, Oshie can handle all the interviews and media requests, he can even ride an eagle. But the real question is, can he sing the “Square Beyond Compare” jingle?

tj-oshie-special

5. Payback Is A Bitch

After listening to the Russians whine about the disallowed goal that helped the Americans get to the shootout that catapulted Oshie to global stardom, I could only think of one thing: “Waaaah, too freaking bad. Why don’t you go invade the Ukraine or something?”

Oh, right. Well, the Ukraine is weak.

Remember how the U.S. men’s basketball team was screwed in 1972, giving the Russians the gold? Me neither! But I’m pretty sure I watched a 30 for 30 or Outside the Lines or whatever on it, which means that damn Chris Connelly probably made me cry.

6. The Russian National Anthem And the Anthem Played During the Closing Credits of “Red Heat” are the Same Song

Who knew? See for yourself.

Begging the question, with so much on the line in terms of national pride, reports of terror threats, and last minute hotel renovations, how did the Soviets – I mean Russians – deal with all the tension and stress of hosting the Winter Olympics?

7. Besides Hockey, Other Dumb Sports Were Played That You Know Damn Good and Well You Would Never Otherwise Watch In a Million, Billion Years

These include various forms of Group Sledding, Ice Shuffleboard, Skiing, and my personal favorite, Skiing While Shooting Things. Also, MTV’s X Games has a signficant presence, which is good for NBC and that highly sought after 15-24 demographic. Cha-ching.

Matheny Memes: Classic Rock Edition

When thinking about some of the storylines surrounding Mike Matheny as he transitions into his second full season as manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, we couldn’t help but notice that more than a few of them synced with lyrics from classic rock songs.

And what better way to communicate something old, like classic rock lyrics, than by juxtaposing it with something new? And with that, we give you the horrific bastard child result: Mike Matheny Classic Rock Internet Memes.

I’ve got a question for you: About how many times last season would you say you heard Matheny described as a “rookie that had never before managed any team at any level” – be it pro, college, even little league? Maybe thirteen, fourteen thousand times? Fifteen thousand?

No matter what happens in 2013, at least we’ll never hear that again. Sure, he’s not exactly the managerial equivalent of a 42 year-old junk-tossing left-handed specialist that would make Tony La Russa drool worse than his bulldog, but at least now no one can say Matheny doesn’t have any experience. And we think he should be proud of that.

matheny-experienced-hendrix

Moreover, this offseason proved a rather quiet one in St. Louis. The most significant departures from a roster standpoint were Lance Berkman, Chris Carpenter, and Kyle Lohse. The first two guys barely played last year. And technically, Lohse could still end up wearing the (now slightly larger) birds on the bat.

The Cardinals are basically the same team that came within one win of a second consecutive World Series trip. Barring massive injuries, there won’t be many changes to the lineup, rotation or the bullpen. Thus, at least for Matheny:

matheny-firsttime-foreigner

Speaking of injuries, the Cardinals skipper himself has already landed on the DL, undergoing surgery March 11 to repair a ruptured disk in his lower back.

But being the hard-nosed, tough guy he is, Matheny returned to the dugout just days later, and apparently, his normal routine.

matheny-backsaddle-aerosmith

Yes, life’s been good to you so far, Mike. I’ve got more than a feeling 2013 will be pretty good, too.